Thursday, April 30, 2009

Little Ole Is the Original Bart Simpson

The Preacher conversed with Little Ole one sunny day:

"So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"

Ole answered, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Lena, Now That's Chicken Soup for the Soul!

Lena once had two chickens. One of them got terribly sick. So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Patience Makes Perfect!

"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

Monday, April 27, 2009

... And Now It's a Convertible

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I Wonder What They Said to The Guy Running the Zamboni?

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Ole Must Have Been Tired

Ole was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Ole asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."

Friday, April 24, 2009

Is That Norway or Norvay?

Lena was being interviewed for a job as maid for the very wealthy
Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any religious views?"
"No," said Lena, "but I've got some nice pictures of Norway."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

At Least Ole Is Prepared For All Eventualities

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How Cheap ARE You Ole?

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Does Lena Fly American?

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink Ill just take da bus."

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Meet Lars!

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

Monday, March 30, 2009

He Sure Is Tall for His... Grade

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Uh, I'm Not Sure That's How It Works Ole

Late one night from the Norway Int'l airport, Sven and Ole phoned their wives back in the States to inform them of their expected time of arrival back home after their Scandinavian vacation.

Sven and Ole then boarded the 4-prop airplane headed back to the States. All was going well until the Captain announced over the PA system that there had been engine trouble in engine number 4, and as a result their arrival time in the States would be pushed back 30 minutes. Sven told Ole that this shouldn't be too much of a problem with his wife, as she was usually not punctual and would probably be late to get him anyway. Ole agreed, and the flight continued.

An hour later the Captain came on the PA system again, announcing that there had now been problems with engine number 1, and as a result the flight would be 60 minutes late in arrival in the States. This time it was Ole who spoke, telling Sven that now there could be a problem with his wife, as she was not an extremely patient person in these matters. Sven consoled Ole by telling him that he could ride home with him and his wife if Ole's wife didn't wait for the late arrival.

At about the same time the two had resolved the issue and drifted off to sleep, the Captain got on the PA system a third time. He announced his apologies, but there now had been troubles with engine 3, and as a result the flight would be 90 minutes late. It was at this time that Ole looked over at Sven, and in utter dismay announced, "For cryin' out loud. If another engine goes out we'll be up here all night!"

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Ole and Lena Get Caught In a Flood

One day Ole and Lena were outside, and it started to rain. They thought nothing of it. Well, the rains kept coming until the main floor of their house became filled with water.

Lena said, "Ole, what are we going to do? The water is coming in."

"Let's go upstairs. The rain won't last that long, and it won't get up there," was Ole's reply.

So Ole and Lena went upstairs to wait for the rain to stop. After a short time Lena looked at her feet and saw they were immersed in water.

"Ole! Ole! the rain has reached us up here. What are we going to do?"

"Lena, calm down. We'll just go up on the roof. The water will NEVER reach us up there. It's too high."

After sitting on the roof for a period of time, Lena noticed a hat floating down stream. She, of course, thought that someone had just lost his hat and the current was taking the hat with it. However, when she looked at the water rising again, she noticed that the hat was coming back up stream. That hat kept going down stream and then back upstream, downstream and back upstream.

"Ole, look at that hat," she said.

Ole was as puzzled as she was. Then it suddenly hit him. He remembered what Sven had told him.

"Lena, I know why that hat is going back and forth upstream. When I talked to Sven yesterday, he said that come hell or high water he was going to mow his lawn today!!"

Friday, March 27, 2009

Ole, Meet Sven. Sven, Ole.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Norway," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are you from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to Bergen."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "Where did you live?"

"On a boat, at the fishing docks," replies the second man.

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishing docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are drunk again."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Now That's Sign Even I Can Follow

One day Ole went hunting with an Indian and a professional hunting guide. So the indian goes out hunting and comes back with a deer. The hunter asked him how he caught this great deer. The Indian replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the deer."

The next day the hunter went out hunting and came back with an even bigger deer. Ole asked him how he caught such a great deer, and the hunter replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the deer."

The next day Ole went out hunting and came back all bloody, with broken bones. The hunter and the indian asked him what happened. He replied,"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train."

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Can Ole Walk The Line?

One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.

"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."

"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.

"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.

"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"

At that point, Lena spoke up. " really shouldn't argue with Ole ven he's been drinking."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

If That's The Case Ole, I Have Some Swampland I'd Love to Sell You

Sven and Ole were watching the late evening news. There was a man on the ledge of all tall building and the police were trying to talk him down.

Sven said, "Ole, do you think he's going to jump?"

Ole said, "He's not going to jump."

Sven said, "He is going to jump, I'm so sure of it I'll bet you five dollars."

Ole said, "I'll take that bet, `cause I know he's not gonna jump."

The man jumped.

Ole got out his five dollars.

Sven said, "Ole I can't take your money. I have a confession to make: I saw this on the news earlier, so I knew he was going to jump."

Ole said, "Take your money, Sven. I saw it too, but I didn't think he would be dumb enough to try it again."

Monday, March 23, 2009

Sven and Ole, Say "Oops"

Sven and Ole were walking through a field and saw a big hole. They wondered how deep it was; so they threw a rock in but didn't hear it hit the ground.

So they looked around and found a big plank, which they dragged over and threw in the hole. Again, they didn't hear a thing, but all of a sudden a goat came running by at incredible speed and plunged down the hole. Still they didn't hear a sound.

A bit later a farmer came by looking for his goat.

Sven said, "It might be the goat who just ran past and jumped in the hole."

"Oh, no," said the farmer, "that can't be... my goat is tied to big heavy plank."

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Don't Rubberneck, Guys

Sven and Ole were out looking for a job, and they got an interview at a trucking company. The boss was asking them questions, and he says to Sven, "Sven, pretend that you're driving the truck in the mountains and Ole is asleep in the back. You're going downhill, when all of a sudden your brakes go out. What do you do?"

Sven say, "Well the first thing I'd do is wake up Ole, because he's never seen an accident before!"

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Maybe They Should Have Just Gotten a Moon Roof

Ole and Lena bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Ole says to Lena, "I thought you had the keys."

Lena says, "You were driving, the driver always takes the keys."

"Well," says Ole, "It doesn't much matter, the question is what are we going to do about it."

Lena says, "I don't know, but we better come up with something fast because it looks like rain, and you had to go and leave the top down."

Friday, February 27, 2009

Is That The Key To The Executive Washroom?

Ole was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper."

Ole made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"You're supposed to sign your name."

"That's my mark," Ole replied, "I cannot read or write."

"What? We're sorry, to work here you have to be able to sign your name."

Well, Ole finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.

" Sven made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"Your mark?" the mayor asked.

"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."

"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"

"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Well, At Least They Dusted It

Ole and Lena were at the Art Museum and Lena wanted to take Ole's picture. "Back up a bit Ole," said Lena.

So he did and knocked over a 2,000 year old ming vase. "Oh my, Ole, we have broken the vase and the curator is not going to be pleased at all!"

Sure as to her word the curator shows up and says to Ole: "Good grief, you have broken that Ming Vase...that was 2,000 years you have anything to say for yourself?"

Ole says, "Thank goodness!!! I thought it was brand new."

But Was It 'Color By Numbers'?

Ole: "Did you hear about the tragedy at the main library in Oslo?"

Sven: "No. What happened Ole?"

Ole: "All the books were lost in a terrible fire. Both of them just blazed out of control! Worst part is one of them hadn't even been colored in yet. "

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

When Will Peterson Get Air Conditioning?

Sven and Ole were coming home late one night from the local bar. Worried that their wives would be furious with them for being so late, they decided to take a shortcut through the town cemetery. As they stumbled their way through the grounds, they decided to stop and rest. The town had just paid for the restoration of some of the tombstones, and several had been reset with the supporting wire attached to nearby trees. Now Sven and Ole just happend to stop close to a recently departed friends grave.

Sven saw the wire, turned to Ole and said: "Hey! Take a look at this! Peterson is doing real well now!"

"How do you know that?" asked Ole.

"Can't you see?" Sven answered, "Peterson has a phone installed already."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Hope Sven Wants a Sunroof

Ole and Sven were taking a new vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: "What you do dat for, Sven?"

Sven: "Dat sign says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High. Dis here camper is thirteen feet!"

Ole: "Look here, Sven, there ain't no cops around. Hit the pedal and go for it!"

Monday, February 23, 2009

Little Ole Wasn't Quite What Big Ole Was Looking For?

Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. However, the baby will be delivered Caesarian."

Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I was kinda hoping it would be a Norwegian."

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Would You Want Ole Peering Through Your Bedroom Window?

Ole was looking for a job and spied an ad that interested him in the paper.

"Help Wanted, Private Investigator, clear thinking type with lots of ambition."

Ole thought, "That's me all right," and went for the interview.

The interviewer started with a little small chat and sized Ole up pretty quickly. "Ole, just a few more questions and I think I can make a decision. First, what's one plus one?"

Ole thought and quickly replied with a smile, "11."

"Good answer Ole, now for one a little harder. What two days of the week start with a T?"

Now Ole was happy, cause he knew this one too, "Today and tomarrow," he replied.

The interviewer was a little startled. "Ok, Ole, ok, . . . How about, Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Ole was happy as a lark. He got up and left the interview. On his way home he ran into Sven.

Sven asked, " Ole how did the job interview go?"

Ole replied, "Great, I got the job. They've already put me on a case!!"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Sven's Deer

Ole and Sven were out deer hunting in Northern Minnesota. Sven shot a really nice buck and Ole was helping him pull it out of the woods. They had a rope tied to one of the hind hoofs and they were pulling and struggling, going through the deep snow with the other three legs sticking out and getting caught on every clump of brush and whatnot along the way.

About that time, the Game Warden came along. After checking their deer tag, he said, "You know, it would be alot easier if you tied the rope to the antlers and pulled him head first. Then the legs wouldn't get caught on everything."

Ole looked at Sven and said, "By golly, I think he's right."

The Game Warden went on his way and Ole and Sven re-tied the rope to the antlers and started pulling. It was a lot easier. After about twenty minutes, Sven said, "Ole, that Game Warden sure was right. This is a lot easier, but aren't we getting further away from the car?"

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Lena and Ole are Moving Up In the World

Lena greeted Ole at the door of their apartment when he came home from work. "Guess vhat," said Lena. "Remember ve have been talking about getting a more expensive apartment?"

"Ya," said Ole. "Vhat about it?"

"Vell," said Lena, "now ve don't have to look. Da landlord yust raised da rent!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Ole and Sven Come Back from a Fishing Trip

Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip and returned with only one fish.

"The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said Sven.

"Vell," replied Ole, "At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

An Ole Rim Shot

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench, a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I'd Say God has Ole's Number

One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "when you made Lena, why did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"

Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

"Well then," asked Ole, "why Lord did you make her so stupid?"

"So she would love you, Ole" replied the voice.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Lena Plans Ahead

Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said, "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live."

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon Ole began to smell a heavenly aroma that came from their kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies!

He went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie, but Lena slaped his hand away and said, "Ole, you can't eat these. These cookies are for the funeral!"

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Not Really an Ole & Lena Joke, but It Suits the Mood

A Norwegian, Swede and Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a pig house.

(Pigs have their own houses for winter use on Scandinavian farms because its so cold.)

They all went in at the same time. After five minutes the Dane came running out. Fifteen minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After twenty minutes the pig ran out.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Quickie for You Lena Fans

Lena once had two chickens.

One of them got terribly sick.

So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Lena Has Car Trouble

Lena: "There is some trouble wit' the car, sweetheart. It has water in da carburetor."

Ole: "Water in da carburetor? That is ridiculous."

Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has water in the carburetor."

Ole: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where is da car?"

Lena: "In da lake."

Monday, February 9, 2009

A Quickie for You Ole Fans

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold.

He muttered, "I'm not going down there just for 50 cents."

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Ole, Take It On Faith

Ole was walking through the mountains of Norway on his way to visit Lena. His mind more on that nights dinner than the path ahead, Ole slipped and slid over the edge of a nearby cliff. About 20 feet down and several hundred more feet to go, he frantically grabbed a bush and stopped his slide.

There he was, hanging by a bush, above certain death, and his hands began to perspire and tire almost immediately. "Is anyone up there?" Ole hollered.

"I'm here Ole," came the deep voice from above.

"Who's there? Can you help me?" Ole yelled back.

The voice answered, "It's the Lord, Ole. Let go and I will save you."

Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he looked at his slipping hands, and he looked down again, and he looked up again.

Finally, he yelled back up the side of the cliff, "Is anyone else up there?"

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Do You Think Ole Waved As Lena Went By?

Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes, " replied the pilot.

"That's too much, " said Ole.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without making a sound, the ride will be free. But if I hear a peep from either of you, you'll have to pay $10."

Ole and Lena agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so, " said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out!"

Friday, February 6, 2009

Way to Go Ole

Ole, Sven, and Lars came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.

"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.

They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.

"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.

"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.

"Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Sven and Ole Need A Loan

Both Ole and Sven needed a loan so off they go to the bank. Sven went in first. "I want $10,000!"

"What do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I pilot!" said Sven.

"Well, that's a good profession" said the manager as he signed the banker's check.

Then Ole went in and said, "I want $10,000 too!"

"Well, what do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I'm a lumberjack," he replied.

"Well, I can't give a lumberjack that kind of money," said the manager.

"Well, if I don't cut the wood, Sven can't pile it!"

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Ole's New Cell Phone

Ole was so excited to get a new cell phone, he decided to call when he was on his way home from town. He thumbed Lena's number as he turned on to the freeway.

"Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home."

Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

"It's worse than that Lena: where I'm at there are a hundred cars going the wrong way!"

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Ole and Sven Ice Fishing

Ole and Sven loved to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. Sven told Ole that he'd heard about a good lake, but they were going to need an ice pick. So off they go.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle, including a new ice pick.

In about two hours, Ole was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop blinked twice but he sold him the picks and Ole left.

In about an hour, Ole was back. He said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"How are we doing?" Ole said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet!"

Monday, February 2, 2009

Lena Can Hit the High Notes

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Sven inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh, " said Ole, "I had her switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell, " Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I Guess You Could Say Ole Went Bananas

Ole and Sven were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No" replied Sven.

"Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

Saturday, January 31, 2009

But Can't Ole Still Gum Them?

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.

"Good gracious, " said Hilda, "How did you ever do that?"

"It vas really simple, " was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

Friday, January 30, 2009

Does This Qualify As Creationism?

Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face as he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother.

"Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked.

"Da stork brought her, " answered mama Lena.

"And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole.

"Da stork brought me, " his mother answered.

"And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired.

"Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew, " mama Lena replied.

With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ole, Don't Answer It!

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Isn't that What Friends are For?

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods and were becoming desperate. It was winter, the snow was deep, and their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp when he wiped the snow off, a genie emerged.

The genie says, "I am da great genie of the north and I can grant each of you one wish."

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof! And Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm with Ole." Poof! And Lena's gone.

Sven just sat there in the snow and looked very sad.

"Sven, what is it you wish for?" asked the genie.

Sven says, "Gee, I'm so lonely, I vish Ole and Lena vere back here wid me."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Maybe He Should Have Tooted Louder

Sven was taking his hotrod for a spin when he saw little Ole trying to peddle his bicycle up a long steep hill. He decided to have some fun and told his nephew that he had a rope and could pull him up the hill. Little Ole agreed and Sven told him the he would go slow. He also told him that if he went too fast that little Ole should toot at him with his bicycle horn mounted on the handle bars.

Sven started out slowly but little by little picked up speed. When he got going too fast for little Ole to jump off he decided to have some real fun. He put the gas peddle to the floor and let the engine go wide open. As they went over the top of the hill there was a police car on the other side with a radar unit.

The officer radioed in, "Sarge, You won't believe this. I just clocked that crazy Sven in his hotrod going a hundred and ten."

The Sargent replied, " What's so hard to believe about that?"

The patrol officer then said, "Little Ole was on a bicycle behind him tooting his horn so he can pass!"

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ole's Farm

A Texan was driving past Ole's farm in a big convertible with steer horns on the hood. He saw Ole out front working on a tractor and stopped for a chat. The Texan said, "How big a spread do you got here?"

To which Ole said, "It goes from da road here, back to dat woods back there, and from da creek down there, over to da Johnson’s barn up on dat hill. How big a spread do you got?"

The Texan replied, "I can jump in my pickup truck and drive all day and not get to the other side of my ranch."

Ole laughed, "I had me a truck like dat once myself and sold dat junker to my crazy buddy Sven."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I Wonder if Ole Clips Coupons Too?

Ole and Lena were visited by a door-to-door salesman. He tried to convince them that if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer.

Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent.

And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV.

Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundromat with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Ole and Lena are Divorced?!?

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Well, dat's fine judge," said Ole, "and once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Friday, January 23, 2009

Lena, How Quickly Can You Board?

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "

“Just a minute, " said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll yust take da bus."

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Lena is a Big One for Sentiment

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Maybe There Are Fates Worse Than Death

Ole went to the doctor because he was feeling a little sick.

After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease and you're going to die in 6 months. I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "That’s terrible Doc, but why should I move in with my rotten mother-in-law."

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

This Is Why Sven Doesn't Work Construction

Sven came over to help Ole put new siding on his house. They put on their nail aprons and grabbed their hammers.

After a while, Ole noticed Sven doing something strange. Every once in a while Sven would pull a nail out of his apron and put it up to the siding. Instead of pounding it in he would throw it over his shoulder.

Ole said, "Hey Sven,what are you doing that for?"

Sven replied, "Some of these nails is broke. Da head is on da wrong end."

Ole replied, "No-No Sven, dem nails is fer da udder side of da house."

Monday, January 19, 2009

I Wonder What Sven Was Using For Bait

Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish, catching one fish after the other.

Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It’s the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy."

Sven replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?"

Ole laughed, "But Sven, what if we don't rent the same boat next time?"

Sunday, January 18, 2009

At Least There's No Wind, Right Ole?

Ole and his buddy Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There's no fish under the ice."

Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There's no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up.

Ole said, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No, the ice rink attendant."

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ole and Family in da Twin Cities

Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big city for the first time.

They were walking down the street and looking in the department store windows when Ole Jr. spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building.

Big Ole and Lena followed him. There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful young lady walked out.

Ole Jr. said, "What kind of machine is dat, Dad?"

Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in!"

Friday, January 16, 2009

I Wonder If Ole Owns A Lot of Mirrors?

When Ole went to play cards with the boys his friend Lars asked him, "Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife and when we go bowling you bring your wife?"

Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is a kind of ugly? Dis way I don't have to kiss her goodbye."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Ole and Lena's Wedding Night

Ole and Lena are about to get married when his buddy Sven takes him out for a night on the town. While they're at the bar, Sven told Ole "Dere's one thing you gotta do right off - Lena needs to know who wear's da pants in da house."

So Ole and Lena get married. That night, Ole handed Lena his pants and asked her to try them on.

Lena looks at him quizzically and dons his trousers. Of course, they're too big and promptly fall to the floor.

"I can't wear dese Ole."

"Dats right woman, and dont forget it neither."

Lena looked at Ole for a long moment, then grabs a pair of panties and asked him to put them on. Of course, they're too small and they don't fit.

"I cant get into dese Lena."

"Dat's right you sonofabitch and you won't be until you're attitude changes!"

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Ole and Lena at Lamaze Class

While practicing the breathing technique, Lena overheard some of the other women talking.

The woman to her left said, "We're going to give birth to a girl because I was on top when she was conceieved"

A gal on her right said, "Oh, in that case we are going to give birth to a boy because I was on bottom he was conceived."

Lena burst out in tears. The women looked at her, baffled.

Lena cried "Were going to have puppies!"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

While Ole Was Out...

Ole and Sven were talking one day when Sven said, "You know Ole, you might want to close your blinds, because last night I saw you and Lena getting intimate."

Ole laughed and says "Oh, joke's on you, Sven! I wasn't even home last night!"

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ole and Lena Go to the Doctor

Ole was getting a little hard of hearing, so Ole and Lena went to the doctor. The doctor told Lena, "You have to do three things to keep Ole well."

"First, you have to keep everything real smooth. You have to iron everything."

"Second, you have to fix him fresh meals every day from scratch. No leftovers, no fast or frozen foods."

"Third, you have to give Ole more loving."

Ole turns to Lena and shouted, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

Lena looked at Ole and hollered back, "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Is Ole Taking Over the World?

Ole and Lena are getting ready to go to a Halloween party. Lena comes out almost naked except for a ribbon with a lemon tied around her waist.

Ole asks, "Lena is that what you're going to wear?"

Lena says, "Yes Ole, it is."

Then Ole goes back and comes out almost naked except for a ribbon with a potato tied around his waist

Lena asks, "Ole, is that what you're gonna wear to the party?"

Ole says, "Yes, I figured if you could go as a sour puss, I could go as a dictator."

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ole's Gonna Blow!

When Ole and Lena got home, Ole took off his shirt.

Lena says, "Ole dat's some chest you have dere."

Ole says, "Yah Lena, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."

Next he took off his pants.

Lena says, "Ole dat's nice thighs and calves you have dere."

Ole says, "Lena dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."

Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants.

Lena screamed and ran out the door.

Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her.

Catching her Olie said, "Lena, why did you run out like dat?"

Lena said, "Well, Ole, wit all dat dynamite around, I taught it
was going to explode when I saw how short da fuse was."

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I Guess You Just Can't Choose Your Relatives

Ole and Lena had been happily married for almost fifty years.

They were out on their front porch one evening rocking in their rocking chairs.

Suddenly Ole stopped and looked at Lena.

"Lena, vhatever happened to our sex relations?"

Lena stopped rocking and thought for a moment.

"Well, Ole. I just don't know. I don't think we even got a card from dem last Christmas."

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Sven and Ole have a Multicultural Experience

Sven and Ole went bungee jumping at the county fair and really loved it.
Afterward, Sven look at Ole and said "You know what, Ole? We should buy some equipment and go down to Mexico. Dey don't have bungee jumping down dere and we could make a fortune!"

"Dat's a very good idea Sven. Let's do dat."

So Sven and Ole bought all the necessary equipment and went down to a small village in Mexico. As they began to set up the tower in the village square, a crowd started to form. When they were finished they went up to the top and Olie fastened himself to the cord and jumped off. When he came back up, Sven noticed he had some bruises and abrasions. He tried to catch Ole but missed.

Ole went back down, and this time when he came up he was bleeding and battered. Sven tried to catch him again but missed. Down went Olie!

When he came back up he was barely conscious and one his arms was broken. This time Sven managed to catch him, and pull him onto the tower.

"Ole!! Vhat happened? Was da cord too long?"

"No, Sven, da cord is fine. Da crowd did dis to me. Sven, I have a question."

"Yes, Ole? Vhat is it?"

"What in da world is a pinyata?"

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Ole's New Truck

Sven was walking down the street one day he sees his best friend Ole driving a brand new Ford pickup.

"Ole!! Where in da world did you get dis new truck?!"

Ole smiled. "Lena gave it to me."

"LENA? Ole, I knew she was sweet on ya, but dis? Why did she give it to you?"

"Well, Sven, it vas like dis: We were out driving last night and we parked in a quiet little spot down by da river. We were snuggling close when all of a sudden Lena took off all her clothes and said 'Ole, take whatever you want!' So... I took da truck."

Sven thought about this for a few seconds and said "Ole, you are a very smart man. Dem clothes NEVER would of fit ya."

Monday, January 5, 2009

Ole's Last Wish

Ole was on his death bed and said to his wife,"Lena, I want you to swear that when I die you will marry Sven".

"Why Sven Svenson?" Lena replied, "You've hated him all your life!"

Ole gasped, "Still do."

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Ole's Just Trying to Do the Right Thing

Ole was listening to the radio and the weatherman said there was a big storm coming and so everyone needed to park on the right side of the street.

So Ole went out and moved the car to the right side of the street.

A few days later, another storm moves in and the weatherman said to park the cars on the left side of the street.

So Ole goes out in the cold and moves the car to the left side of the street.

Another day passes and a third blizzard is rolling in. Again, the weatherman comes on and says that all cars need to be parked on the right side of the street, so the plows can get through.

And Ole, who's getting really tired of going out in the cold, says to Lena, "You know Lena, I just don't care. They can give me a ticket. I'm just going to leave the car in the darn garage, and they can ticket me all they want!"

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Sven and Ole: Rim Shot

Why were Sven and Ole seen pushing a house down the street?

They were trying to get the furnace started.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Sven Finds a Penguin!

Sven calls up Ole and says, "I just don't know what to do. I found a penguin in my backyard. What should I do?"

Ole says, "Wel now, why don't you take him to de zoo?"

Sven says, "Aw, Ole, dat's a very good idea!" and hangs up.

The next day, Ole goes to Lake Calhoun, and what does he see but Sven walking on the bike path with the penguin by his side.

"Sven," he says, "I t'ought I told you to take dat penguin to de zoo."

"Vell," says Ole, "I did, and we had so much fun I t'ought I'd take him for a walk around de lakes."

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Ole and Lena Buy a Car

Ole and Lena need a new car so they go down to the car lot.

They look around the lot for a while until they spot a car they are interested in.

Lena gets in the car yells "Ole, are the turn signals working?"

Ole yells back "Yea, No, Yea, No..."