Tuesday, June 5, 2012

And Chlorine in the Tires

A teenage boy tells his father, "Dad, there's trouble with the car, it has water in the carburetor." The father looks confused and says, "Water in the carburetor, that's ridiculous!" But the son insists. "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."
His father, starting to get a little nervous, says "You don't even know what a carburetor is.... but I will check it out. Where is the car?"
"In the pool," replies the son.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'm Not Sure How That's Physically Possible, But OK

Lena competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the English woman second. Lena reached the shore completely exhausted. She remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose utter two girls used der arms."

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

It Makes Sense When You Think About It

I was on vacation in Florida on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?
"Let's find a place."
"Good," he says. "My car is right over there."
I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.
I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."
"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."
"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.
"Oh, ya. You got that right."
"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?
He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."

Thursday, May 24, 2012

As Long As He Hasn't Been Brushing His Teeth With It

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly draw. That is until the last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how each other had fared for the past month. Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days." Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Dulut was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'd Suggest a Porsche Replacement

A college student drove his ratty, raggedy old car into the mechanic's shop, needing some repair advice for his jalopy.
The mechanic looked at it for a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."
"Oh," said the student, trying not to sound too confused, "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"
"That's part of the problem," the mechanic said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Heard on the Road

When flying from Palm Springs, California to Dallas, Texas the flight attendant announced:

 "In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device..."

When asking a barista for an iced coffee, they replied apologetically that the place didn't serve it.

 When I asked if they had ice: "yes, we have that".
 When I asked if they had black coffee: "yes, we have that".

 "Can I get a cup of ice and a medium coffee? I'll brew my own."

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Ole Better've Brought His Golf Umbrella

Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter. So he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," Ole replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of yur master. Vill yew grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said. So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks, not DUCKS!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard uf hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It's Not Easy Being Green

One day a man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money.

However, he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog. The frog then proceeded to play an incredible jazz solo. Highly impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.

The man then asked for another drink in exchange for something even more amazing. The bartender agreed.

So the man pulled a hamster out of his pocket and set it on the bar. The frog started playing the saxophone again. Then
the hamster started singing along. It was a terrific jazz duet. Even more impressed, the bartender gave the man a second drink.

Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man. He offered the man $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man considered it for a moment and then agreed to the deal. The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender exclaimed, "I can't believe you let a singing hamster go for only $1,000!"

The man replied, "It's no loss to me. The frog is a ventriloquist."

Sunday, May 13, 2012

It's stories like this that remind me than "fan" is short for "FANatic"

Authorities in Columbia County said a 36-year-old man tied up his young son with tape after the boy refused to wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's game last Saturday.

Read more here.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

That's Why You Should Never Serve Cabbage with Lutefisk

Ole and Lena had Mr. and Mrs. Thorvald over for lutefisk. Lena knew that Mr. Thorvald liked his lutefisk with lots of melted butter and black pepper. After the company had gone home, Lena made a terrible discovery. She had served Mr. Thorvald gunpowder instead of black pepper! Vell, it vas too late to call or go over, so Lena lay awake all night vorrying.

Early the next morning she called the Thorvalds. "Oh, Mr. Thorvald," said Lena, "I've done a terrible ting. Last night I served you gunpowder instead of black pepper vith the lutefisk." "Oh, tank God!" said Mr. Thorvald. "Dot explains it all!" "Explains vat?" asked Lena. "Vell, ven ve got home, I bent over to untie my shoe, and I shot the cat!"

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

At Least He Didn't Ask What Elephant Tastes Like

A bird hunter appears in court for having shot a pelican. The judge, shaking his head says, "Son, what were you thinking? Surely you know that pelicans are a protected species!"
To which the man replies "Well, Your Honor sir, I've been out of work for months, about to lose my home, and my family was hungry.?
The judge ponders this a moment, then says, "Well, the law says you should be in jail, or at least given a steep fine. But under such circumstances, I 'm letting you off with just a warning. Don't EVER let me see you in my courtroom again.?
The offender thanks the judge profusely and begins to walk away, when the judge asks, ?What does pelican taste like?"
The man replies, "Well, sir, it's kind of like a cross between a Bald Eagle and a California Condor."

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Has America outsourced its junk food innovation?

You may have already heard the news, but foreign shores are tinkering with our most dearly-beloved foods.  Is this a sign of cutting edge innovation?  Or unholy Frankenstein foodstuffs that should have never been pulled from the oven?

Pizza Hut (yes, Pizza Hut) has introduced Hot Dog-stuffed pizza crust in the UK.

And in the United Arab Emirates, they've rolled out Crown Pizza, which is a pizza studded with hamburgers and burger toppings.

Is your mouth watering?

You make the call!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Something Was Getting Clutched

Ole and Lena finally got married, and Ole was driving her to St. Paul for the honeymoon. "Ole," says Lena, "give me a kiss." "No," says Ole, "somebody might see." "Nobody vill see," says Lena, "and besides, we're married now." "No, Lena," says Ole, "somebody might see." "Ole," says Lena, "I vant a kiss and I vant it now! Stop this car and park it. Ve'll get out and crawl under the car and then nobody vill see!" "Vat if somebody comes by?" asks Ole. "Yust tell them you're checking the clutch!" yells Lena, and Ole knows he'd better stop right then or there will be trouble. Vell, vun ting leads to another, and Ole and Lena are under the car for quite awhile ven He is so happy that his eyes are shut, and then Ole feels a hand on his shoulder. It vas Lars! "Ole!" says Lars. "Vat the heck are you doing?" "Go avay, Lars," says Ole. "I'm checking the clutch." "Vell, you'd better check the brakes," says Lars, "because your car's rolled fifty feet down the shoulder!"

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

He Crossed the Preacher, Buddy

Thepastor of the local Baptist church had a parrot who was always using bad language. One day a group of visiting ministers came to his home for lunch and the parrot let loose with some exceptionally profane stuff.
The pastor was really embarrassed and, after he ushered out the last of the ministers, he grabbed the parrot, and said, "Look, you have embarrassed me for the last time. You can think about it and chill for awhile." Then he stuck the bird in the freezer.
A little while later he let the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot was very contrite and said, "I promise, I will never say those things again, but tell me -- what did the chicken do?"

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Are There Any Quilters Out There?

Eat your hearts out.

Or at least, check it out:

Saturn Gets Nail Polish Paint Job

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Lena Really IS a Cheap Date

Well, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot would be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you one thing," said Ole. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I Imagine there is Less Outcry Too

The local university lab has decided to lay off all of the lab rats. You would think that this was due to animal rights protesters complaining about their treatment, but the university found that it was easer to use attorneys. No one complains -- and there are just some things a rat will not do.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

A One-Horse Town Down to Two People

Messex, Colo., Has Been Largely Abandoned, and Its Only Residents Like It That Way; 'We Get Along OK'

Nobody except Mr. Ulibarri, 68 years old, and his neighbor, Dixie Newman, 76—the only residents of this hamlet at the intersection of two gravel roads on the high plains of northeastern Colorado. Both may be away visiting relatives in the Denver area on New Year's Eve.

Everything got better when the third person in Messex moved away, I bet.  Just didn't fit in..

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I Bet Ole Can't See Around that Big Hat

Ole leaves Duluth to get a job as a chauffer driving a huge limosine in New York City.  The Pope arrives at the airport and Ole picks him up.

Now, the Pope wants to do the driving. Ole says that's against company rules but Mama Ole raised him to never argue with the clergy.

The Pope is a terrible driver, he goes up on the sidewalk, he doesn't stop to pay the parking lot toll:  it isn't three minutes before a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman sees right away that he has a problem on how to hand out the ticket, so he calls his supervisor down at the station and says "I need help in how to give a ticket to someone here who's really important." "Is it the Mayor?" "No, more important than the Mayor?" "Is it the Senator?" "No, more important than the Senator." "Well, then who is it?" Policeman says "I'm not sure. I don't recognize him, but he's got the Pope driving for him."

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hook Line and Sinker

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I think I lived there

I think this says it all:

Seen in a local newspaper:  "Marge Friendly had a visitor this weekend. Her nephew Cletus came to visit and helped her with chores."

Read more here.

Letters From Grandma

Then almost like a bolt of lighting, I realized why the jacket in the backseat looked familiar: it wasn't my grandsons, I has seen our town Mayor wearing it! I also recalled seeing him in the post office that morning. Bingo! Now I knew who's car I had stolen!

You can read the rest of the tale of how Grandma accidentally stole the mayor's car here.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Think I Actually Said That When I Was Younger

Ole's boss had been invited to Ole and Lena's for supper. As Lena was setting the table, Ole's boss casually asked Little Ole what was being served for supper.

Little Ole said, "I think it is buzzard . . . because this morning Mama said to Papa, 'If we are going to have that old buzzard for supper, it might as well be tonight.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Foxworthy on Minnesota

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights
each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Minnesota.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say...Wayzata...Mahtomedi...Cloquet...Edina...and Shakopee, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
You might live in Minnesota .

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota.

You measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Minnesota.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota.

You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Minnesota.

You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows
how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm
at any given time,
You might live in Minnesota .

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
and of course, road construction,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can identify a southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next
to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota.

If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know "a brat" is something you eat,
You might live in Minnesota.

You find -10 degrees "a little chilly",
You might live in Minnesota.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends,
You DO live in Minnesota!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Just Don't Cross Lena

The teacher caught a daydreaming Little Ole off guard in history class when she suddenly asked, "Ole, what happened when Hannibal crossed the Alps with a hundred elephants?"
Ole said, "He got a mountain range that never forgets."

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Now That's a Silver Lining...or is it Purple?

Two Minnesotans die in a car crash. They don't go to heaven, but to the other place.

Shortly after they arrive, the devil looks over and sees the two of them smiling and laughing and generally enjoying themselves.

He goes over and says, "What's the matter with you two? You were sent here to spend eternity in torment. You're in the middle of a flaming inferno. You should be in agony. Why are you smiling and laughing?"

The two reply, "Oh, Mr. Devil, we're sorry if we offended you. After those cold winters in Minnesota, it just feels so good to be warm."

The devil thinks to himself, "So, they don't like it cold. Well, let me see what I can do about that."

So the devil creates special climate conditions. Instead of a flaming inferno, the two Minnesotans find themselves in the middle of the most vicious blizzard conceivable. The snow is eight feet deep. The temperature is 80 below. The wind chill is 100 below.

And the devil looks over and sees them not only smiling and laughing, but jumping up and down and clapping each other on the back in unrestrained glee.

Again, he approaches them and asks, "What's the matter with you two? You told me you hated the cold. Why are you still so happy?"

They reply, "Well, it's obvious. Hell has frozen over. The Vikings must have won the Super Bowl!"

Thursday, March 29, 2012

They Do Say God Helps Those Who Help Themselves

LITTLE OLE had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine," said Lena, his pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, he will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask him to help me not to misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked him to help you put up with me."

Sunday, March 25, 2012

On Wisconsin!

Wisconsin, according to Jeff Foxworthy: 
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Wisconsin.... 
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Milwaukee for the weekend, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Wisconsin....Oh yeah!!
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Wisconsin. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Wisconsin friends and others can see, you definitely do live - or have lived - in Wisconsin

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Be Careful What You Pray For

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from a pew in the front row. It was little Ole. His mother Lena beside him was horrified.

She pinched him to silence, and after church asked: "Ole, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Ole answered gingerly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just did!"

Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Little Old Lady and the Atheist

There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I'm Sure Ole's Berries Taste Better

Ole, who is growing quite elderly, is resting peacefully on his front porch when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon. "Good afternoon!  Where are you headed?" hollers out Ole.

"Afternoon.  Home to my farm," says Sven.

"What do you have in da wagon?" Ole continued.

"Manure," said Sven.

"Manure, eh? What do you do wit it?"

"I spread it over my strawberries," Sven says matter-of-factly.

"Vell," says Ole, "ya should come over here for lunch some day. Ve use whipped cream."

Sunday, March 11, 2012

And what if He took it all?

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish Rabbi debated how to divide the offertory: which part would go to the clergy and which part to God to spread the Good News. 

The Lutheran drew a chalk line across the aisle, threw out the money and said, to the right, to God, to the left, to clergy. 

The Catholic followed suit and drew a circle onto the church floor, into which he poured the money: whatever fell outside would belong to God, while everything inside would go to the priest. 

The Rabbi say, "Dear brothers, you give God no chance whatsoever. Therefore, I shall throw the money up into the air and say, "Lord, take what you need."

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I Wonder What He Thought About Stuffed Cabbage?

Lena and Ole and Little Ole were invited to the Swenson's for Christmas.

Stuffed roast turkey was on the menu. After dinner, Lena asked Little Ole how he liked the dinner.

Little Ole replied,  "Vell, da turkey was pretty good, but I vasn't too crasy about da stuff da turkey ate."

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Maybe He Just Wasn't Getting the Hint

Lena was beginning to think that Ole would never ask her to marry him.

One evening, as they studied the menu at the new Chinese restaurant, Ole asked "Lena, vould you prefer your rice fried or boiled?"

Jumping at the chance, Lena quickly replied, I vould like my rice thrown, Ole! And da sonner da better!"

Thursday, February 23, 2012

But What About a Tractor?

"Hey Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Ole Had a Car Accident

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now vat the HELL vould YOU say?"

Thursday, February 9, 2012

It Feels Warmer Already

Ole and Lena had a farm right on the border between Minnesota and Iowa.

One day a surveyor came to Ole and Lena's farm and, after he finished, the surveyor met with the couple and said, "I surveyed your property, but I found a problem. All these years you thought your farm was in Minnesota, but my results show your farm is in Iowa."

The surveyor looked at Ole and Lena for a response, but instead of them being upset, they looked pleased.

"I thought you would be upset," said the surveyor. "Why do you both look so happy?"

"Well," said Ole, "I'm so glad now. I didn't think we could stand another of those terrible Minnesota winters!"

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Real Church Bloopers

Apparently, these statements were all found in real Church Bulletins.  I wonder if Ole was editing that day...

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.·The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

But Are You Going to Offer Him a Nightcap?

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern.

A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment.

He explained, "I want Lena to see who I have been out    with."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Quickee Ole

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Ole Thinks "Garnishment" is Something Italians Eat

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Well, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Thursday, January 5, 2012

As Long As the Engine's Off

Ole hears that Sven just bought a new truck, so he goes over to take a look at it. When he gets there, he sees dents all over the truck, and Sven sitting in the driveway behind the truck.

Ole says, “Sven, why did you buy a truck with dents?”

Sven says, “Oh, I made a real good deal. It got dented in a hailstorm, so the salesman gave me $50 off the price. And he said that all I have to do is blow on the tailpipe, and those dents will pop right out. But
I’ve been sitting here blowing on this tailpipe for two hours now, and I don’t think it's working.

Ole says, “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! You have to close the windows first!”