Saturday, January 31, 2009

But Can't Ole Still Gum Them?

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.

"Good gracious, " said Hilda, "How did you ever do that?"

"It vas really simple, " was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

Friday, January 30, 2009

Does This Qualify As Creationism?

Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face as he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother.

"Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked.

"Da stork brought her, " answered mama Lena.

"And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole.

"Da stork brought me, " his mother answered.

"And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired.

"Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew, " mama Lena replied.

With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ole, Don't Answer It!

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Isn't that What Friends are For?

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods and were becoming desperate. It was winter, the snow was deep, and their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp when he wiped the snow off, a genie emerged.

The genie says, "I am da great genie of the north and I can grant each of you one wish."

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof! And Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm with Ole." Poof! And Lena's gone.

Sven just sat there in the snow and looked very sad.

"Sven, what is it you wish for?" asked the genie.

Sven says, "Gee, I'm so lonely, I vish Ole and Lena vere back here wid me."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Maybe He Should Have Tooted Louder

Sven was taking his hotrod for a spin when he saw little Ole trying to peddle his bicycle up a long steep hill. He decided to have some fun and told his nephew that he had a rope and could pull him up the hill. Little Ole agreed and Sven told him the he would go slow. He also told him that if he went too fast that little Ole should toot at him with his bicycle horn mounted on the handle bars.

Sven started out slowly but little by little picked up speed. When he got going too fast for little Ole to jump off he decided to have some real fun. He put the gas peddle to the floor and let the engine go wide open. As they went over the top of the hill there was a police car on the other side with a radar unit.

The officer radioed in, "Sarge, You won't believe this. I just clocked that crazy Sven in his hotrod going a hundred and ten."

The Sargent replied, " What's so hard to believe about that?"

The patrol officer then said, "Little Ole was on a bicycle behind him tooting his horn so he can pass!"

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ole's Farm

A Texan was driving past Ole's farm in a big convertible with steer horns on the hood. He saw Ole out front working on a tractor and stopped for a chat. The Texan said, "How big a spread do you got here?"

To which Ole said, "It goes from da road here, back to dat woods back there, and from da creek down there, over to da Johnson’s barn up on dat hill. How big a spread do you got?"

The Texan replied, "I can jump in my pickup truck and drive all day and not get to the other side of my ranch."

Ole laughed, "I had me a truck like dat once myself and sold dat junker to my crazy buddy Sven."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I Wonder if Ole Clips Coupons Too?

Ole and Lena were visited by a door-to-door salesman. He tried to convince them that if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer.

Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent.

And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV.

Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundromat with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Ole and Lena are Divorced?!?

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Well, dat's fine judge," said Ole, "and once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Friday, January 23, 2009

Lena, How Quickly Can You Board?

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "

“Just a minute, " said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll yust take da bus."

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Lena is a Big One for Sentiment

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Maybe There Are Fates Worse Than Death

Ole went to the doctor because he was feeling a little sick.

After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease and you're going to die in 6 months. I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "That’s terrible Doc, but why should I move in with my rotten mother-in-law."

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

This Is Why Sven Doesn't Work Construction

Sven came over to help Ole put new siding on his house. They put on their nail aprons and grabbed their hammers.

After a while, Ole noticed Sven doing something strange. Every once in a while Sven would pull a nail out of his apron and put it up to the siding. Instead of pounding it in he would throw it over his shoulder.

Ole said, "Hey Sven,what are you doing that for?"

Sven replied, "Some of these nails is broke. Da head is on da wrong end."

Ole replied, "No-No Sven, dem nails is fer da udder side of da house."

Monday, January 19, 2009

I Wonder What Sven Was Using For Bait

Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish, catching one fish after the other.

Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It’s the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy."

Sven replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?"

Ole laughed, "But Sven, what if we don't rent the same boat next time?"

Sunday, January 18, 2009

At Least There's No Wind, Right Ole?

Ole and his buddy Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There's no fish under the ice."

Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There's no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up.

Ole said, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No, the ice rink attendant."

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ole and Family in da Twin Cities

Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big city for the first time.

They were walking down the street and looking in the department store windows when Ole Jr. spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building.

Big Ole and Lena followed him. There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful young lady walked out.

Ole Jr. said, "What kind of machine is dat, Dad?"

Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in!"

Friday, January 16, 2009

I Wonder If Ole Owns A Lot of Mirrors?

When Ole went to play cards with the boys his friend Lars asked him, "Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife and when we go bowling you bring your wife?"

Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is a kind of ugly? Dis way I don't have to kiss her goodbye."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Ole and Lena's Wedding Night

Ole and Lena are about to get married when his buddy Sven takes him out for a night on the town. While they're at the bar, Sven told Ole "Dere's one thing you gotta do right off - Lena needs to know who wear's da pants in da house."

So Ole and Lena get married. That night, Ole handed Lena his pants and asked her to try them on.

Lena looks at him quizzically and dons his trousers. Of course, they're too big and promptly fall to the floor.

"I can't wear dese Ole."

"Dats right woman, and dont forget it neither."

Lena looked at Ole for a long moment, then grabs a pair of panties and asked him to put them on. Of course, they're too small and they don't fit.

"I cant get into dese Lena."

"Dat's right you sonofabitch and you won't be until you're attitude changes!"

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Ole and Lena at Lamaze Class

While practicing the breathing technique, Lena overheard some of the other women talking.

The woman to her left said, "We're going to give birth to a girl because I was on top when she was conceieved"

A gal on her right said, "Oh, in that case we are going to give birth to a boy because I was on bottom he was conceived."

Lena burst out in tears. The women looked at her, baffled.

Lena cried "Were going to have puppies!"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

While Ole Was Out...

Ole and Sven were talking one day when Sven said, "You know Ole, you might want to close your blinds, because last night I saw you and Lena getting intimate."

Ole laughed and says "Oh, joke's on you, Sven! I wasn't even home last night!"

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ole and Lena Go to the Doctor

Ole was getting a little hard of hearing, so Ole and Lena went to the doctor. The doctor told Lena, "You have to do three things to keep Ole well."

"First, you have to keep everything real smooth. You have to iron everything."

"Second, you have to fix him fresh meals every day from scratch. No leftovers, no fast or frozen foods."

"Third, you have to give Ole more loving."

Ole turns to Lena and shouted, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

Lena looked at Ole and hollered back, "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Is Ole Taking Over the World?

Ole and Lena are getting ready to go to a Halloween party. Lena comes out almost naked except for a ribbon with a lemon tied around her waist.

Ole asks, "Lena is that what you're going to wear?"

Lena says, "Yes Ole, it is."

Then Ole goes back and comes out almost naked except for a ribbon with a potato tied around his waist

Lena asks, "Ole, is that what you're gonna wear to the party?"

Ole says, "Yes, I figured if you could go as a sour puss, I could go as a dictator."

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ole's Gonna Blow!

When Ole and Lena got home, Ole took off his shirt.

Lena says, "Ole dat's some chest you have dere."

Ole says, "Yah Lena, dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."

Next he took off his pants.

Lena says, "Ole dat's nice thighs and calves you have dere."

Ole says, "Lena dat's a hunnert seventy pounds of dynamite."

Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants.

Lena screamed and ran out the door.

Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her.

Catching her Olie said, "Lena, why did you run out like dat?"

Lena said, "Well, Ole, wit all dat dynamite around, I taught it
was going to explode when I saw how short da fuse was."

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I Guess You Just Can't Choose Your Relatives

Ole and Lena had been happily married for almost fifty years.

They were out on their front porch one evening rocking in their rocking chairs.

Suddenly Ole stopped and looked at Lena.

"Lena, vhatever happened to our sex relations?"

Lena stopped rocking and thought for a moment.

"Well, Ole. I just don't know. I don't think we even got a card from dem last Christmas."

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Sven and Ole have a Multicultural Experience

Sven and Ole went bungee jumping at the county fair and really loved it.
Afterward, Sven look at Ole and said "You know what, Ole? We should buy some equipment and go down to Mexico. Dey don't have bungee jumping down dere and we could make a fortune!"

"Dat's a very good idea Sven. Let's do dat."

So Sven and Ole bought all the necessary equipment and went down to a small village in Mexico. As they began to set up the tower in the village square, a crowd started to form. When they were finished they went up to the top and Olie fastened himself to the cord and jumped off. When he came back up, Sven noticed he had some bruises and abrasions. He tried to catch Ole but missed.

Ole went back down, and this time when he came up he was bleeding and battered. Sven tried to catch him again but missed. Down went Olie!

When he came back up he was barely conscious and one his arms was broken. This time Sven managed to catch him, and pull him onto the tower.

"Ole!! Vhat happened? Was da cord too long?"

"No, Sven, da cord is fine. Da crowd did dis to me. Sven, I have a question."

"Yes, Ole? Vhat is it?"

"What in da world is a pinyata?"

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Ole's New Truck

Sven was walking down the street one day he sees his best friend Ole driving a brand new Ford pickup.

"Ole!! Where in da world did you get dis new truck?!"

Ole smiled. "Lena gave it to me."

"LENA? Ole, I knew she was sweet on ya, but dis? Why did she give it to you?"

"Well, Sven, it vas like dis: We were out driving last night and we parked in a quiet little spot down by da river. We were snuggling close when all of a sudden Lena took off all her clothes and said 'Ole, take whatever you want!' So... I took da truck."

Sven thought about this for a few seconds and said "Ole, you are a very smart man. Dem clothes NEVER would of fit ya."

Monday, January 5, 2009

Ole's Last Wish

Ole was on his death bed and said to his wife,"Lena, I want you to swear that when I die you will marry Sven".

"Why Sven Svenson?" Lena replied, "You've hated him all your life!"

Ole gasped, "Still do."

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Ole's Just Trying to Do the Right Thing

Ole was listening to the radio and the weatherman said there was a big storm coming and so everyone needed to park on the right side of the street.

So Ole went out and moved the car to the right side of the street.

A few days later, another storm moves in and the weatherman said to park the cars on the left side of the street.

So Ole goes out in the cold and moves the car to the left side of the street.

Another day passes and a third blizzard is rolling in. Again, the weatherman comes on and says that all cars need to be parked on the right side of the street, so the plows can get through.

And Ole, who's getting really tired of going out in the cold, says to Lena, "You know Lena, I just don't care. They can give me a ticket. I'm just going to leave the car in the darn garage, and they can ticket me all they want!"

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Sven and Ole: Rim Shot

Why were Sven and Ole seen pushing a house down the street?

They were trying to get the furnace started.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Sven Finds a Penguin!

Sven calls up Ole and says, "I just don't know what to do. I found a penguin in my backyard. What should I do?"

Ole says, "Wel now, why don't you take him to de zoo?"

Sven says, "Aw, Ole, dat's a very good idea!" and hangs up.

The next day, Ole goes to Lake Calhoun, and what does he see but Sven walking on the bike path with the penguin by his side.

"Sven," he says, "I t'ought I told you to take dat penguin to de zoo."

"Vell," says Ole, "I did, and we had so much fun I t'ought I'd take him for a walk around de lakes."

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Ole and Lena Buy a Car

Ole and Lena need a new car so they go down to the car lot.

They look around the lot for a while until they spot a car they are interested in.

Lena gets in the car yells "Ole, are the turn signals working?"

Ole yells back "Yea, No, Yea, No..."