Just Don't Cross Lena

The teacher caught a daydreaming Little Ole off guard in history class when she suddenly asked, "Ole, what happened when Hannibal crossed the Alps with a hundred elephants?"

Ole said, "He got a mountain range that never forgets."

I'm Sure Ole's Berries Taste Better

Ole, who is growing quite elderly, is resting peacefully on his front porch when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon. "Good afternoon!  Where are you headed?" hollers out Ole.

"Afternoon.  Home to my farm," says Sven.

"What do you have in da wagon?" Ole continued.

"Manure," said Sven.

"Manure, eh? What do you do wit it?"

"I spread it over my strawberries," Sven says matter-of-factly.

"Vell," says Ole, "ya should come over here for lunch some day. Ve use whipped cream."

But What About a Tractor?

"Hey Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

It Feels Warmer Already

Ole and Lena had a farm right on the border between Minnesota and Iowa.

One day a surveyor came to Ole and Lena's farm and, after he finished, the surveyor met with the couple and said, "I surveyed your property, but I found a problem. All these years you thought your farm was in Minnesota, but my results show your farm is in Iowa."

The surveyor looked at Ole and Lena for a response, but instead of them being upset, they looked pleased.

"I thought you would be upset," said the surveyor. "Why do you both look so happy?"

"Well," said Ole, "I'm so glad now. I didn't think we could stand another of those terrible Minnesota winters!"

Quickee Ole

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

But Those Legs Go All The Way Up

Sven and Ole buy a mule. But when they get it home, they can’t get it into the barn. It just won’t go.

Sven says, “I know just the problem. He won’t fit through the door. His ears are too long.”

Ole sees that Sven is right, thinks a bit, and then says, “I know what we can do. We should raise the barn by a foot, so he’ll fit.”

Sven asks, “Wouldn’t it be easier to dig a ditch for him to walk in?”
Ole says, “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! It’s his ears that are too long, not his legs!”

God Help Him If Lena Gets a Nailgun

Sven and Ole are roofing a house. Ole picks a nail out of the pan, examines it, and with a "nope" tosses it over his shoulder, picks up another one does the same thing, picks up a third and after examining it uses it to nail in the shingle.

Sven (seeing all of this) exclaims, "Ole! what the hell are you doing, wasting nails like that?"

Ole replies, "Well you see, those nails they're pointing towards the house, I can use them. But these nails... they're pointing away from the house, they're useless."

"Ole you IDIOT!!" Sven replies, "those nails aren't something you just throw away willy nilly... those nails are for the other side of the house."

Lena, Now That's Chicken Soup for the Soul!

Lena once had two chickens. One of them got terribly sick. So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

Patience Makes Perfect!

"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

At Least Ole Is Prepared For All Eventualities

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

He Sure Is Tall for His... Grade

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Not Really an Ole & Lena Joke, but It Suits the Mood

A Norwegian, Swede and Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a pig house.

(Pigs have their own houses for winter use on Scandinavian farms because its so cold.)

They all went in at the same time. After five minutes the Dane came running out. Fifteen minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After twenty minutes the pig ran out.

This Is Why Sven Doesn't Work Construction

Sven came over to help Ole put new siding on his house. They put on their nail aprons and grabbed their hammers.

After a while, Ole noticed Sven doing something strange. Every once in a while Sven would pull a nail out of his apron and put it up to the siding. Instead of pounding it in he would throw it over his shoulder.

Ole said, "Hey Sven,what are you doing that for?"

Sven replied, "Some of these nails is broke. Da head is on da wrong end."

Ole replied, "No-No Sven, dem nails is fer da udder side of da house."

Sven and Ole: Rim Shot

Why were Sven and Ole seen pushing a house down the street?

They were trying to get the furnace started.

Ole Junior Ain't No Math Major

Ole Junior came running home from school one day crying.

"Mom" he asked, "I've got da biggest feet in third grade. Is that cuz I'm Norwegian?"

Lena said "No. It's because you're 19."

Sven and Ole Play a Guessing Game

Ole was carrying a bag of chickens when he came across Sven.

Sven asked "Ole, how many chickens in da bag?"

Ole said "If you can guess I'll give you both of them!"