Saturday, February 28, 2009

Maybe They Should Have Just Gotten a Moon Roof

Ole and Lena bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Ole says to Lena, "I thought you had the keys."

Lena says, "You were driving, the driver always takes the keys."

"Well," says Ole, "It doesn't much matter, the question is what are we going to do about it."

Lena says, "I don't know, but we better come up with something fast because it looks like rain, and you had to go and leave the top down."

Friday, February 27, 2009

Is That The Key To The Executive Washroom?

Ole was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper."

Ole made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"You're supposed to sign your name."

"That's my mark," Ole replied, "I cannot read or write."

"What? We're sorry, to work here you have to be able to sign your name."

Well, Ole finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.

" Sven made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"Your mark?" the mayor asked.

"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."

"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"

"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Well, At Least They Dusted It

Ole and Lena were at the Art Museum and Lena wanted to take Ole's picture. "Back up a bit Ole," said Lena.

So he did and knocked over a 2,000 year old ming vase. "Oh my, Ole, we have broken the vase and the curator is not going to be pleased at all!"

Sure as to her word the curator shows up and says to Ole: "Good grief, you have broken that Ming Vase...that was 2,000 years you have anything to say for yourself?"

Ole says, "Thank goodness!!! I thought it was brand new."

But Was It 'Color By Numbers'?

Ole: "Did you hear about the tragedy at the main library in Oslo?"

Sven: "No. What happened Ole?"

Ole: "All the books were lost in a terrible fire. Both of them just blazed out of control! Worst part is one of them hadn't even been colored in yet. "

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

When Will Peterson Get Air Conditioning?

Sven and Ole were coming home late one night from the local bar. Worried that their wives would be furious with them for being so late, they decided to take a shortcut through the town cemetery. As they stumbled their way through the grounds, they decided to stop and rest. The town had just paid for the restoration of some of the tombstones, and several had been reset with the supporting wire attached to nearby trees. Now Sven and Ole just happend to stop close to a recently departed friends grave.

Sven saw the wire, turned to Ole and said: "Hey! Take a look at this! Peterson is doing real well now!"

"How do you know that?" asked Ole.

"Can't you see?" Sven answered, "Peterson has a phone installed already."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Hope Sven Wants a Sunroof

Ole and Sven were taking a new vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: "What you do dat for, Sven?"

Sven: "Dat sign says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High. Dis here camper is thirteen feet!"

Ole: "Look here, Sven, there ain't no cops around. Hit the pedal and go for it!"

Monday, February 23, 2009

Little Ole Wasn't Quite What Big Ole Was Looking For?

Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. However, the baby will be delivered Caesarian."

Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I was kinda hoping it would be a Norwegian."

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Would You Want Ole Peering Through Your Bedroom Window?

Ole was looking for a job and spied an ad that interested him in the paper.

"Help Wanted, Private Investigator, clear thinking type with lots of ambition."

Ole thought, "That's me all right," and went for the interview.

The interviewer started with a little small chat and sized Ole up pretty quickly. "Ole, just a few more questions and I think I can make a decision. First, what's one plus one?"

Ole thought and quickly replied with a smile, "11."

"Good answer Ole, now for one a little harder. What two days of the week start with a T?"

Now Ole was happy, cause he knew this one too, "Today and tomarrow," he replied.

The interviewer was a little startled. "Ok, Ole, ok, . . . How about, Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Ole was happy as a lark. He got up and left the interview. On his way home he ran into Sven.

Sven asked, " Ole how did the job interview go?"

Ole replied, "Great, I got the job. They've already put me on a case!!"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Sven's Deer

Ole and Sven were out deer hunting in Northern Minnesota. Sven shot a really nice buck and Ole was helping him pull it out of the woods. They had a rope tied to one of the hind hoofs and they were pulling and struggling, going through the deep snow with the other three legs sticking out and getting caught on every clump of brush and whatnot along the way.

About that time, the Game Warden came along. After checking their deer tag, he said, "You know, it would be alot easier if you tied the rope to the antlers and pulled him head first. Then the legs wouldn't get caught on everything."

Ole looked at Sven and said, "By golly, I think he's right."

The Game Warden went on his way and Ole and Sven re-tied the rope to the antlers and started pulling. It was a lot easier. After about twenty minutes, Sven said, "Ole, that Game Warden sure was right. This is a lot easier, but aren't we getting further away from the car?"

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Lena and Ole are Moving Up In the World

Lena greeted Ole at the door of their apartment when he came home from work. "Guess vhat," said Lena. "Remember ve have been talking about getting a more expensive apartment?"

"Ya," said Ole. "Vhat about it?"

"Vell," said Lena, "now ve don't have to look. Da landlord yust raised da rent!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Ole and Sven Come Back from a Fishing Trip

Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip and returned with only one fish.

"The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said Sven.

"Vell," replied Ole, "At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

An Ole Rim Shot

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench, a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I'd Say God has Ole's Number

One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "when you made Lena, why did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"

Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

"Well then," asked Ole, "why Lord did you make her so stupid?"

"So she would love you, Ole" replied the voice.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Lena Plans Ahead

Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said, "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live."

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon Ole began to smell a heavenly aroma that came from their kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies!

He went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie, but Lena slaped his hand away and said, "Ole, you can't eat these. These cookies are for the funeral!"

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Not Really an Ole & Lena Joke, but It Suits the Mood

A Norwegian, Swede and Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a pig house.

(Pigs have their own houses for winter use on Scandinavian farms because its so cold.)

They all went in at the same time. After five minutes the Dane came running out. Fifteen minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After twenty minutes the pig ran out.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Quickie for You Lena Fans

Lena once had two chickens.

One of them got terribly sick.

So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Lena Has Car Trouble

Lena: "There is some trouble wit' the car, sweetheart. It has water in da carburetor."

Ole: "Water in da carburetor? That is ridiculous."

Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has water in the carburetor."

Ole: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where is da car?"

Lena: "In da lake."

Monday, February 9, 2009

A Quickie for You Ole Fans

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold.

He muttered, "I'm not going down there just for 50 cents."

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Ole, Take It On Faith

Ole was walking through the mountains of Norway on his way to visit Lena. His mind more on that nights dinner than the path ahead, Ole slipped and slid over the edge of a nearby cliff. About 20 feet down and several hundred more feet to go, he frantically grabbed a bush and stopped his slide.

There he was, hanging by a bush, above certain death, and his hands began to perspire and tire almost immediately. "Is anyone up there?" Ole hollered.

"I'm here Ole," came the deep voice from above.

"Who's there? Can you help me?" Ole yelled back.

The voice answered, "It's the Lord, Ole. Let go and I will save you."

Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he looked at his slipping hands, and he looked down again, and he looked up again.

Finally, he yelled back up the side of the cliff, "Is anyone else up there?"

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Do You Think Ole Waved As Lena Went By?

Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes, " replied the pilot.

"That's too much, " said Ole.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without making a sound, the ride will be free. But if I hear a peep from either of you, you'll have to pay $10."

Ole and Lena agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so, " said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out!"

Friday, February 6, 2009

Way to Go Ole

Ole, Sven, and Lars came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.

"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.

They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.

"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.

"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.

"Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Sven and Ole Need A Loan

Both Ole and Sven needed a loan so off they go to the bank. Sven went in first. "I want $10,000!"

"What do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I pilot!" said Sven.

"Well, that's a good profession" said the manager as he signed the banker's check.

Then Ole went in and said, "I want $10,000 too!"

"Well, what do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I'm a lumberjack," he replied.

"Well, I can't give a lumberjack that kind of money," said the manager.

"Well, if I don't cut the wood, Sven can't pile it!"

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Ole's New Cell Phone

Ole was so excited to get a new cell phone, he decided to call when he was on his way home from town. He thumbed Lena's number as he turned on to the freeway.

"Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home."

Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

"It's worse than that Lena: where I'm at there are a hundred cars going the wrong way!"

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Ole and Sven Ice Fishing

Ole and Sven loved to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. Sven told Ole that he'd heard about a good lake, but they were going to need an ice pick. So off they go.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle, including a new ice pick.

In about two hours, Ole was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop blinked twice but he sold him the picks and Ole left.

In about an hour, Ole was back. He said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"How are we doing?" Ole said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet!"

Monday, February 2, 2009

Lena Can Hit the High Notes

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Sven inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh, " said Ole, "I had her switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell, " Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I Guess You Could Say Ole Went Bananas

Ole and Sven were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No" replied Sven.

"Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"