They Do Say God Helps Those Who Help Themselves

LITTLE OLE had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said Lena, his pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, he will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask him to help me not to misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked him to help you put up with me."

On Wisconsin!

Wisconsin, according to Jeff Foxworthy: 
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Wisconsin.... 
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Milwaukee for the weekend, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Wisconsin....Oh yeah!!
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Wisconsin. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Wisconsin friends and others can see, you definitely do live - or have lived - in Wisconsin

Be Careful What You Pray For

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from a pew in the front row. It was little Ole. His mother Lena beside him was horrified.

She pinched him to silence, and after church asked: "Ole, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Ole answered gingerly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just did!"

The Little Old Lady and the Atheist

There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

I'm Sure Ole's Berries Taste Better

Ole, who is growing quite elderly, is resting peacefully on his front porch when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon. "Good afternoon!  Where are you headed?" hollers out Ole.

"Afternoon.  Home to my farm," says Sven.

"What do you have in da wagon?" Ole continued.

"Manure," said Sven.

"Manure, eh? What do you do wit it?"

"I spread it over my strawberries," Sven says matter-of-factly.

"Vell," says Ole, "ya should come over here for lunch some day. Ve use whipped cream."

And what if He took it all?

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish Rabbi debated how to divide the offertory: which part would go to the clergy and which part to God to spread the Good News. 

The Lutheran drew a chalk line across the aisle, threw out the money and said, to the right, to God, to the left, to clergy. 

The Catholic followed suit and drew a circle onto the church floor, into which he poured the money: whatever fell outside would belong to God, while everything inside would go to the priest. 

The Rabbi say, "Dear brothers, you give God no chance whatsoever. Therefore, I shall throw the money up into the air and say, "Lord, take what you need."

I Wonder What He Thought About Stuffed Cabbage?

Lena and Ole and Little Ole were invited to the Swenson's for Christmas.

Stuffed roast turkey was on the menu. After dinner, Lena asked Little Ole how he liked the dinner.

Little Ole replied,  "Vell, da turkey was pretty good, but I vasn't too crasy about da stuff da turkey ate."

Real Headlines, Real Strange

1. Couple lost in corn maze calls 911

2. Man says it's too hot to fish

3. Rogue Massachusetts turkey, known for attacking mail truck, may or may not belong to Ethel Kennedy

4. Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

5. If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

Maybe He Just Wasn't Getting the Hint

Lena was beginning to think that Ole would never ask her to marry him.

One evening, as they studied the menu at the new Chinese restaurant, Ole asked "Lena, vould you prefer your rice fried or boiled?"

Jumping at the chance, Lena quickly replied, I vould like my rice thrown, Ole! And da sonner da better!"