Ole Better've Brought His Golf Umbrella

Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter. So he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," Ole replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of yur master. Vill yew grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said. So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks, not DUCKS!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard uf hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

But What About a Tractor?

"Hey Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

As Long As the Engine's Off

Ole hears that Sven just bought a new truck, so he goes over to take a look at it. When he gets there, he sees dents all over the truck, and Sven sitting in the driveway behind the truck.

Ole says, “Sven, why did you buy a truck with dents?”

Sven says, “Oh, I made a real good deal. It got dented in a hailstorm, so the salesman gave me $50 off the price. And he said that all I have to do is blow on the tailpipe, and those dents will pop right out. But
I’ve been sitting here blowing on this tailpipe for two hours now, and I don’t think it's working.

Ole says, “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! You have to close the windows first!”

But Those Legs Go All The Way Up

Sven and Ole buy a mule. But when they get it home, they can’t get it into the barn. It just won’t go.

Sven says, “I know just the problem. He won’t fit through the door. His ears are too long.”

Ole sees that Sven is right, thinks a bit, and then says, “I know what we can do. We should raise the barn by a foot, so he’ll fit.”

Sven asks, “Wouldn’t it be easier to dig a ditch for him to walk in?”
Ole says, “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! It’s his ears that are too long, not his legs!”

I Bet She Can Still Make Glasses Shiver

Sven’s down at the feed store and runs across Ole.

Sven says, "Ole, good to see you! How’ve you been?”

“Fine.”

“And what about your wife, I haven’t seen her in awhile. How’s she doing, Ole?”

“Fine.”

Sven says, “I heard you bought her a piano, didn’t you? That must be real fine. How’d she like it?”

Ole answers, “Fine. But I sold the piano and bought a clarinet.”

“A clarinet? Why would you give her a clarinet instead of a piano?”

Ole glares at Sven a bit, then says, “Because with a clarinet, she can’t sing!”

The Very Definition of "Penny-Wise and Pound Foolish"

Ole goes out one day to use the outhouse, and he finds Sven there. Sven has his wallet out, and he's throwing money down into the hole of the outhouse.

Ole asks, "Sven, watcha doin' there, fella? You're throwing the five dollar bill and the ten dollar bill down into the hole of the outhouse! Whatcha doin' that for?"

Sven answers, "Well, when I pulled up my trousers I dropped a nickel down there—and I'm not going down into that mess for just a nickel!"

But they're making great time!

Ole and Sven are out deer hunting. Ole bags a buck.

After they dress the deer and tag it, they grab it by its hind legs and start dragging through the woods back to the car. A game warden happens on the pair and, after checking their tags and admiring the buck tells them that they are dragging the deer out all wrong. By dragging it by the rear legs, the snow, leaves and dirt are getting caught by the animals fur, and the horns are getting all tangled in the brush. The warden suggests that they drag it by the front legs. They agree to try it and much to their surprise, it is much easier dragging the deer this way.

After a half hour of this Sven turns to Ole and says, "Boy dat game warden was right, it sure is easier dragging de deer dis way, but ya know, we are getting further away from de car."

Patience Makes Perfect!

"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

... And Now It's a Convertible

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

I Wonder What They Said to The Guy Running the Zamboni?

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

He Sure Is Tall for His... Grade

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Uh, I'm Not Sure That's How It Works Ole

Late one night from the Norway Int'l airport, Sven and Ole phoned their wives back in the States to inform them of their expected time of arrival back home after their Scandinavian vacation.

Sven and Ole then boarded the 4-prop airplane headed back to the States. All was going well until the Captain announced over the PA system that there had been engine trouble in engine number 4, and as a result their arrival time in the States would be pushed back 30 minutes. Sven told Ole that this shouldn't be too much of a problem with his wife, as she was usually not punctual and would probably be late to get him anyway. Ole agreed, and the flight continued.

An hour later the Captain came on the PA system again, announcing that there had now been problems with engine number 1, and as a result the flight would be 60 minutes late in arrival in the States. This time it was Ole who spoke, telling Sven that now there could be a problem with his wife, as she was not an extremely patient person in these matters. Sven consoled Ole by telling him that he could ride home with him and his wife if Ole's wife didn't wait for the late arrival.

At about the same time the two had resolved the issue and drifted off to sleep, the Captain got on the PA system a third time. He announced his apologies, but there now had been troubles with engine 3, and as a result the flight would be 90 minutes late. It was at this time that Ole looked over at Sven, and in utter dismay announced, "For cryin' out loud. If another engine goes out we'll be up here all night!"

Ole, Meet Sven. Sven, Ole.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Norway," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are you from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to Bergen."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "Where did you live?"

"On a boat, at the fishing docks," replies the second man.

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishing docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are drunk again."

If That's The Case Ole, I Have Some Swampland I'd Love to Sell You

Sven and Ole were watching the late evening news. There was a man on the ledge of all tall building and the police were trying to talk him down.

Sven said, "Ole, do you think he's going to jump?"

Ole said, "He's not going to jump."

Sven said, "He is going to jump, I'm so sure of it I'll bet you five dollars."

Ole said, "I'll take that bet, `cause I know he's not gonna jump."

The man jumped.

Ole got out his five dollars.

Sven said, "Ole I can't take your money. I have a confession to make: I saw this on the news earlier, so I knew he was going to jump."

Ole said, "Take your money, Sven. I saw it too, but I didn't think he would be dumb enough to try it again."

Sven and Ole, Say "Oops"

Sven and Ole were walking through a field and saw a big hole. They wondered how deep it was; so they threw a rock in but didn't hear it hit the ground.

So they looked around and found a big plank, which they dragged over and threw in the hole. Again, they didn't hear a thing, but all of a sudden a goat came running by at incredible speed and plunged down the hole. Still they didn't hear a sound.

A bit later a farmer came by looking for his goat.

Sven said, "It might be the goat who just ran past and jumped in the hole."

"Oh, no," said the farmer, "that can't be... my goat is tied to big heavy plank."

Don't Rubberneck, Guys

Sven and Ole were out looking for a job, and they got an interview at a trucking company. The boss was asking them questions, and he says to Sven, "Sven, pretend that you're driving the truck in the mountains and Ole is asleep in the back. You're going downhill, when all of a sudden your brakes go out. What do you do?"

Sven say, "Well the first thing I'd do is wake up Ole, because he's never seen an accident before!"

Is That The Key To The Executive Washroom?

Ole was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper."

Ole made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"You're supposed to sign your name."

"That's my mark," Ole replied, "I cannot read or write."

"What? We're sorry, to work here you have to be able to sign your name."

Well, Ole finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.

" Sven made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"Your mark?" the mayor asked.

"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."

"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"

"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."

But Was It 'Color By Numbers'?

Ole: "Did you hear about the tragedy at the main library in Oslo?"

Sven: "No. What happened Ole?"

Ole: "All the books were lost in a terrible fire. Both of them just blazed out of control! Worst part is one of them hadn't even been colored in yet. "

When Will Peterson Get Air Conditioning?

Sven and Ole were coming home late one night from the local bar. Worried that their wives would be furious with them for being so late, they decided to take a shortcut through the town cemetery. As they stumbled their way through the grounds, they decided to stop and rest. The town had just paid for the restoration of some of the tombstones, and several had been reset with the supporting wire attached to nearby trees. Now Sven and Ole just happend to stop close to a recently departed friends grave.

Sven saw the wire, turned to Ole and said: "Hey! Take a look at this! Peterson is doing real well now!"

"How do you know that?" asked Ole.

"Can't you see?" Sven answered, "Peterson has a phone installed already."

I Hope Sven Wants a Sunroof

Ole and Sven were taking a new vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: "What you do dat for, Sven?"

Sven: "Dat sign says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High. Dis here camper is thirteen feet!"

Ole: "Look here, Sven, there ain't no cops around. Hit the pedal and go for it!"