Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Meet Lars!

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

Monday, March 30, 2009

He Sure Is Tall for His... Grade

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Uh, I'm Not Sure That's How It Works Ole

Late one night from the Norway Int'l airport, Sven and Ole phoned their wives back in the States to inform them of their expected time of arrival back home after their Scandinavian vacation.

Sven and Ole then boarded the 4-prop airplane headed back to the States. All was going well until the Captain announced over the PA system that there had been engine trouble in engine number 4, and as a result their arrival time in the States would be pushed back 30 minutes. Sven told Ole that this shouldn't be too much of a problem with his wife, as she was usually not punctual and would probably be late to get him anyway. Ole agreed, and the flight continued.

An hour later the Captain came on the PA system again, announcing that there had now been problems with engine number 1, and as a result the flight would be 60 minutes late in arrival in the States. This time it was Ole who spoke, telling Sven that now there could be a problem with his wife, as she was not an extremely patient person in these matters. Sven consoled Ole by telling him that he could ride home with him and his wife if Ole's wife didn't wait for the late arrival.

At about the same time the two had resolved the issue and drifted off to sleep, the Captain got on the PA system a third time. He announced his apologies, but there now had been troubles with engine 3, and as a result the flight would be 90 minutes late. It was at this time that Ole looked over at Sven, and in utter dismay announced, "For cryin' out loud. If another engine goes out we'll be up here all night!"

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Ole and Lena Get Caught In a Flood

One day Ole and Lena were outside, and it started to rain. They thought nothing of it. Well, the rains kept coming until the main floor of their house became filled with water.

Lena said, "Ole, what are we going to do? The water is coming in."

"Let's go upstairs. The rain won't last that long, and it won't get up there," was Ole's reply.

So Ole and Lena went upstairs to wait for the rain to stop. After a short time Lena looked at her feet and saw they were immersed in water.

"Ole! Ole! the rain has reached us up here. What are we going to do?"

"Lena, calm down. We'll just go up on the roof. The water will NEVER reach us up there. It's too high."

After sitting on the roof for a period of time, Lena noticed a hat floating down stream. She, of course, thought that someone had just lost his hat and the current was taking the hat with it. However, when she looked at the water rising again, she noticed that the hat was coming back up stream. That hat kept going down stream and then back upstream, downstream and back upstream.

"Ole, look at that hat," she said.

Ole was as puzzled as she was. Then it suddenly hit him. He remembered what Sven had told him.

"Lena, I know why that hat is going back and forth upstream. When I talked to Sven yesterday, he said that come hell or high water he was going to mow his lawn today!!"

Friday, March 27, 2009

Ole, Meet Sven. Sven, Ole.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Norway," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are you from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to Bergen."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "Where did you live?"

"On a boat, at the fishing docks," replies the second man.

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishing docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are drunk again."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Now That's Sign Even I Can Follow

One day Ole went hunting with an Indian and a professional hunting guide. So the indian goes out hunting and comes back with a deer. The hunter asked him how he caught this great deer. The Indian replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the deer."

The next day the hunter went out hunting and came back with an even bigger deer. Ole asked him how he caught such a great deer, and the hunter replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the deer."

The next day Ole went out hunting and came back all bloody, with broken bones. The hunter and the indian asked him what happened. He replied,"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train."

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Can Ole Walk The Line?

One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.

"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."

"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.

"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.

"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"

At that point, Lena spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue with Ole ven he's been drinking."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

If That's The Case Ole, I Have Some Swampland I'd Love to Sell You

Sven and Ole were watching the late evening news. There was a man on the ledge of all tall building and the police were trying to talk him down.

Sven said, "Ole, do you think he's going to jump?"

Ole said, "He's not going to jump."

Sven said, "He is going to jump, I'm so sure of it I'll bet you five dollars."

Ole said, "I'll take that bet, `cause I know he's not gonna jump."

The man jumped.

Ole got out his five dollars.

Sven said, "Ole I can't take your money. I have a confession to make: I saw this on the news earlier, so I knew he was going to jump."

Ole said, "Take your money, Sven. I saw it too, but I didn't think he would be dumb enough to try it again."

Monday, March 23, 2009

Sven and Ole, Say "Oops"

Sven and Ole were walking through a field and saw a big hole. They wondered how deep it was; so they threw a rock in but didn't hear it hit the ground.

So they looked around and found a big plank, which they dragged over and threw in the hole. Again, they didn't hear a thing, but all of a sudden a goat came running by at incredible speed and plunged down the hole. Still they didn't hear a sound.

A bit later a farmer came by looking for his goat.

Sven said, "It might be the goat who just ran past and jumped in the hole."

"Oh, no," said the farmer, "that can't be... my goat is tied to big heavy plank."

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Don't Rubberneck, Guys

Sven and Ole were out looking for a job, and they got an interview at a trucking company. The boss was asking them questions, and he says to Sven, "Sven, pretend that you're driving the truck in the mountains and Ole is asleep in the back. You're going downhill, when all of a sudden your brakes go out. What do you do?"

Sven say, "Well the first thing I'd do is wake up Ole, because he's never seen an accident before!"