Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'm Not Sure How That's Physically Possible, But OK

Lena competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the English woman second. Lena reached the shore completely exhausted. She remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose utter two girls used der arms."

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

It Makes Sense When You Think About It

I was on vacation in Florida on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?
"Let's find a place."
"Good," he says. "My car is right over there."
I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.
I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."
"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."
"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.
"Oh, ya. You got that right."
"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?
He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."

Thursday, May 24, 2012

As Long As He Hasn't Been Brushing His Teeth With It

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly draw. That is until the last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how each other had fared for the past month. Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days." Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Dulut was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'd Suggest a Porsche Replacement

A college student drove his ratty, raggedy old car into the mechanic's shop, needing some repair advice for his jalopy.
The mechanic looked at it for a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."
"Oh," said the student, trying not to sound too confused, "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"
"That's part of the problem," the mechanic said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Heard on the Road

When flying from Palm Springs, California to Dallas, Texas the flight attendant announced:

 "In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device..."

When asking a barista for an iced coffee, they replied apologetically that the place didn't serve it.

 When I asked if they had ice: "yes, we have that".
 When I asked if they had black coffee: "yes, we have that".

 "Can I get a cup of ice and a medium coffee? I'll brew my own."

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Ole Better've Brought His Golf Umbrella

Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter. So he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," Ole replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of yur master. Vill yew grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said. So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks, not DUCKS!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard uf hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It's Not Easy Being Green

One day a man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money.

However, he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog. The frog then proceeded to play an incredible jazz solo. Highly impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.

The man then asked for another drink in exchange for something even more amazing. The bartender agreed.

So the man pulled a hamster out of his pocket and set it on the bar. The frog started playing the saxophone again. Then
the hamster started singing along. It was a terrific jazz duet. Even more impressed, the bartender gave the man a second drink.

Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man. He offered the man $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man considered it for a moment and then agreed to the deal. The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender exclaimed, "I can't believe you let a singing hamster go for only $1,000!"

The man replied, "It's no loss to me. The frog is a ventriloquist."

Sunday, May 13, 2012

It's stories like this that remind me than "fan" is short for "FANatic"

Authorities in Columbia County said a 36-year-old man tied up his young son with tape after the boy refused to wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's game last Saturday.

Read more here.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

That's Why You Should Never Serve Cabbage with Lutefisk

Ole and Lena had Mr. and Mrs. Thorvald over for lutefisk. Lena knew that Mr. Thorvald liked his lutefisk with lots of melted butter and black pepper. After the company had gone home, Lena made a terrible discovery. She had served Mr. Thorvald gunpowder instead of black pepper! Vell, it vas too late to call or go over, so Lena lay awake all night vorrying.

Early the next morning she called the Thorvalds. "Oh, Mr. Thorvald," said Lena, "I've done a terrible ting. Last night I served you gunpowder instead of black pepper vith the lutefisk." "Oh, tank God!" said Mr. Thorvald. "Dot explains it all!" "Explains vat?" asked Lena. "Vell, ven ve got home, I bent over to untie my shoe, and I shot the cat!"

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

At Least He Didn't Ask What Elephant Tastes Like

A bird hunter appears in court for having shot a pelican. The judge, shaking his head says, "Son, what were you thinking? Surely you know that pelicans are a protected species!"
To which the man replies "Well, Your Honor sir, I've been out of work for months, about to lose my home, and my family was hungry.?
The judge ponders this a moment, then says, "Well, the law says you should be in jail, or at least given a steep fine. But under such circumstances, I 'm letting you off with just a warning. Don't EVER let me see you in my courtroom again.?
The offender thanks the judge profusely and begins to walk away, when the judge asks, ?What does pelican taste like?"
The man replies, "Well, sir, it's kind of like a cross between a Bald Eagle and a California Condor."

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Has America outsourced its junk food innovation?

You may have already heard the news, but foreign shores are tinkering with our most dearly-beloved foods.  Is this a sign of cutting edge innovation?  Or unholy Frankenstein foodstuffs that should have never been pulled from the oven?

Pizza Hut (yes, Pizza Hut) has introduced Hot Dog-stuffed pizza crust in the UK.

And in the United Arab Emirates, they've rolled out Crown Pizza, which is a pizza studded with hamburgers and burger toppings.

Is your mouth watering?

You make the call!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Something Was Getting Clutched

Ole and Lena finally got married, and Ole was driving her to St. Paul for the honeymoon. "Ole," says Lena, "give me a kiss." "No," says Ole, "somebody might see." "Nobody vill see," says Lena, "and besides, we're married now." "No, Lena," says Ole, "somebody might see." "Ole," says Lena, "I vant a kiss and I vant it now! Stop this car and park it. Ve'll get out and crawl under the car and then nobody vill see!" "Vat if somebody comes by?" asks Ole. "Yust tell them you're checking the clutch!" yells Lena, and Ole knows he'd better stop right then or there will be trouble. Vell, vun ting leads to another, and Ole and Lena are under the car for quite awhile ven He is so happy that his eyes are shut, and then Ole feels a hand on his shoulder. It vas Lars! "Ole!" says Lars. "Vat the heck are you doing?" "Go avay, Lars," says Ole. "I'm checking the clutch." "Vell, you'd better check the brakes," says Lars, "because your car's rolled fifty feet down the shoulder!"

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

He Crossed the Preacher, Buddy

Thepastor of the local Baptist church had a parrot who was always using bad language. One day a group of visiting ministers came to his home for lunch and the parrot let loose with some exceptionally profane stuff.
The pastor was really embarrassed and, after he ushered out the last of the ministers, he grabbed the parrot, and said, "Look, you have embarrassed me for the last time. You can think about it and chill for awhile." Then he stuck the bird in the freezer.
A little while later he let the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot was very contrite and said, "I promise, I will never say those things again, but tell me -- what did the chicken do?"