Are There Any Quilters Out There?

Eat your hearts out.

Or at least, check it out:

Lena Really IS a Cheap Date

Well, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot would be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you one thing," said Ole. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

I Imagine there is Less Outcry Too

The local university lab has decided to lay off all of the lab rats. You would think that this was due to animal rights protesters complaining about their treatment, but the university found that it was easer to use attorneys. No one complains -- and there are just some things a rat will not do.

A One-Horse Town Down to Two People

Messex, Colo., Has Been Largely Abandoned, and Its Only Residents Like It That Way; 'We Get Along OK'


Nobody except Mr. Ulibarri, 68 years old, and his neighbor, Dixie Newman, 76—the only residents of this hamlet at the intersection of two gravel roads on the high plains of northeastern Colorado. Both may be away visiting relatives in the Denver area on New Year's Eve.

Everything got better when the third person in Messex moved away, I bet.  Just didn't fit in..

I Bet Ole Can't See Around that Big Hat

Ole leaves Duluth to get a job as a chauffer driving a huge limosine in New York City.  The Pope arrives at the airport and Ole picks him up.

Now, the Pope wants to do the driving. Ole says that's against company rules but Mama Ole raised him to never argue with the clergy.

The Pope is a terrible driver, he goes up on the sidewalk, he doesn't stop to pay the parking lot toll:  it isn't three minutes before a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman sees right away that he has a problem on how to hand out the ticket, so he calls his supervisor down at the station and says "I need help in how to give a ticket to someone here who's really important." "Is it the Mayor?" "No, more important than the Mayor?" "Is it the Senator?" "No, more important than the Senator." "Well, then who is it?" Policeman says "I'm not sure. I don't recognize him, but he's got the Pope driving for him."

Hook Line and Sinker

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

I think I lived there

I think this says it all:

Seen in a local newspaper:  "Marge Friendly had a visitor this weekend. Her nephew Cletus came to visit and helped her with chores."


Read more here.

Letters From Grandma

Then almost like a bolt of lighting, I realized why the jacket in the backseat looked familiar: it wasn't my grandsons, I has seen our town Mayor wearing it! I also recalled seeing him in the post office that morning. Bingo! Now I knew who's car I had stolen!


You can read the rest of the tale of how Grandma accidentally stole the mayor's car here.

I Think I Actually Said That When I Was Younger

Ole's boss had been invited to Ole and Lena's for supper. As Lena was setting the table, Ole's boss casually asked Little Ole what was being served for supper.

Little Ole said, "I think it is buzzard . . . because this morning Mama said to Papa, 'If we are going to have that old buzzard for supper, it might as well be tonight.

Foxworthy on Minnesota

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights
each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Minnesota.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say...Wayzata...Mahtomedi...Cloquet...Edina...and Shakopee, you might live in Minnesota.


If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
You might live in Minnesota .

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota.

You measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Minnesota.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota.

You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Minnesota.

You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows
how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm
at any given time,
You might live in Minnesota .

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
and of course, road construction,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can identify a southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next
to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota.

If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know "a brat" is something you eat,
You might live in Minnesota.

You find -10 degrees "a little chilly",
You might live in Minnesota.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends,
You DO live in Minnesota!

Just Don't Cross Lena

The teacher caught a daydreaming Little Ole off guard in history class when she suddenly asked, "Ole, what happened when Hannibal crossed the Alps with a hundred elephants?"

Ole said, "He got a mountain range that never forgets."

Now That's a Silver Lining...or is it Purple?

Two Minnesotans die in a car crash. They don't go to heaven, but to the other place.

Shortly after they arrive, the devil looks over and sees the two of them smiling and laughing and generally enjoying themselves.

He goes over and says, "What's the matter with you two? You were sent here to spend eternity in torment. You're in the middle of a flaming inferno. You should be in agony. Why are you smiling and laughing?"

The two reply, "Oh, Mr. Devil, we're sorry if we offended you. After those cold winters in Minnesota, it just feels so good to be warm."

The devil thinks to himself, "So, they don't like it cold. Well, let me see what I can do about that."

So the devil creates special climate conditions. Instead of a flaming inferno, the two Minnesotans find themselves in the middle of the most vicious blizzard conceivable. The snow is eight feet deep. The temperature is 80 below. The wind chill is 100 below.

And the devil looks over and sees them not only smiling and laughing, but jumping up and down and clapping each other on the back in unrestrained glee.

Again, he approaches them and asks, "What's the matter with you two? You told me you hated the cold. Why are you still so happy?"

They reply, "Well, it's obvious. Hell has frozen over. The Vikings must have won the Super Bowl!"