As Long As He Hasn't Been Brushing His Teeth With It

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly draw. That is until the last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how each other had fared for the past month. Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days." Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Dulut was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

Ole Better've Brought His Golf Umbrella

Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter. So he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," Ole replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of yur master. Vill yew grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said. So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks, not DUCKS!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard uf hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

Something Was Getting Clutched

Ole and Lena finally got married, and Ole was driving her to St. Paul for the honeymoon. "Ole," says Lena, "give me a kiss." "No," says Ole, "somebody might see." "Nobody vill see," says Lena, "and besides, we're married now." "No, Lena," says Ole, "somebody might see." "Ole," says Lena, "I vant a kiss and I vant it now! Stop this car and park it. Ve'll get out and crawl under the car and then nobody vill see!" "Vat if somebody comes by?" asks Ole. "Yust tell them you're checking the clutch!" yells Lena, and Ole knows he'd better stop right then or there will be trouble. Vell, vun ting leads to another, and Ole and Lena are under the car for quite awhile ven He is so happy that his eyes are shut, and then Ole feels a hand on his shoulder. It vas Lars! "Ole!" says Lars. "Vat the heck are you doing?" "Go avay, Lars," says Ole. "I'm checking the clutch." "Vell, you'd better check the brakes," says Lars, "because your car's rolled fifty feet down the shoulder!"

Lena Really IS a Cheap Date

Well, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, that would be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot would be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you one thing," said Ole. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

I Bet Ole Can't See Around that Big Hat

Ole leaves Duluth to get a job as a chauffer driving a huge limosine in New York City.  The Pope arrives at the airport and Ole picks him up.

Now, the Pope wants to do the driving. Ole says that's against company rules but Mama Ole raised him to never argue with the clergy.

The Pope is a terrible driver, he goes up on the sidewalk, he doesn't stop to pay the parking lot toll:  it isn't three minutes before a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman sees right away that he has a problem on how to hand out the ticket, so he calls his supervisor down at the station and says "I need help in how to give a ticket to someone here who's really important." "Is it the Mayor?" "No, more important than the Mayor?" "Is it the Senator?" "No, more important than the Senator." "Well, then who is it?" Policeman says "I'm not sure. I don't recognize him, but he's got the Pope driving for him."

I Think I Actually Said That When I Was Younger

Ole's boss had been invited to Ole and Lena's for supper. As Lena was setting the table, Ole's boss casually asked Little Ole what was being served for supper.

Little Ole said, "I think it is buzzard . . . because this morning Mama said to Papa, 'If we are going to have that old buzzard for supper, it might as well be tonight.

I'm Sure Ole's Berries Taste Better

Ole, who is growing quite elderly, is resting peacefully on his front porch when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon. "Good afternoon!  Where are you headed?" hollers out Ole.

"Afternoon.  Home to my farm," says Sven.

"What do you have in da wagon?" Ole continued.

"Manure," said Sven.

"Manure, eh? What do you do wit it?"

"I spread it over my strawberries," Sven says matter-of-factly.

"Vell," says Ole, "ya should come over here for lunch some day. Ve use whipped cream."

I Wonder What He Thought About Stuffed Cabbage?

Lena and Ole and Little Ole were invited to the Swenson's for Christmas.

Stuffed roast turkey was on the menu. After dinner, Lena asked Little Ole how he liked the dinner.

Little Ole replied,  "Vell, da turkey was pretty good, but I vasn't too crasy about da stuff da turkey ate."

Maybe He Just Wasn't Getting the Hint

Lena was beginning to think that Ole would never ask her to marry him.

One evening, as they studied the menu at the new Chinese restaurant, Ole asked "Lena, vould you prefer your rice fried or boiled?"

Jumping at the chance, Lena quickly replied, I vould like my rice thrown, Ole! And da sonner da better!"

But What About a Tractor?

"Hey Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

Ole Had a Car Accident

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now vat the HELL vould YOU say?"

It Feels Warmer Already

Ole and Lena had a farm right on the border between Minnesota and Iowa.

One day a surveyor came to Ole and Lena's farm and, after he finished, the surveyor met with the couple and said, "I surveyed your property, but I found a problem. All these years you thought your farm was in Minnesota, but my results show your farm is in Iowa."

The surveyor looked at Ole and Lena for a response, but instead of them being upset, they looked pleased.

"I thought you would be upset," said the surveyor. "Why do you both look so happy?"

"Well," said Ole, "I'm so glad now. I didn't think we could stand another of those terrible Minnesota winters!"

But Are You Going to Offer Him a Nightcap?

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern.

A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment.

He explained, "I want Lena to see who I have been out    with."

Quickee Ole

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

Ole Thinks "Garnishment" is Something Italians Eat

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Well, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

As Long As the Engine's Off

Ole hears that Sven just bought a new truck, so he goes over to take a look at it. When he gets there, he sees dents all over the truck, and Sven sitting in the driveway behind the truck.

Ole says, “Sven, why did you buy a truck with dents?”

Sven says, “Oh, I made a real good deal. It got dented in a hailstorm, so the salesman gave me $50 off the price. And he said that all I have to do is blow on the tailpipe, and those dents will pop right out. But
I’ve been sitting here blowing on this tailpipe for two hours now, and I don’t think it's working.

Ole says, “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! You have to close the windows first!”

But Those Legs Go All The Way Up

Sven and Ole buy a mule. But when they get it home, they can’t get it into the barn. It just won’t go.

Sven says, “I know just the problem. He won’t fit through the door. His ears are too long.”

Ole sees that Sven is right, thinks a bit, and then says, “I know what we can do. We should raise the barn by a foot, so he’ll fit.”

Sven asks, “Wouldn’t it be easier to dig a ditch for him to walk in?”
Ole says, “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! It’s his ears that are too long, not his legs!”

I Bet She Can Still Make Glasses Shiver

Sven’s down at the feed store and runs across Ole.

Sven says, "Ole, good to see you! How’ve you been?”

“Fine.”

“And what about your wife, I haven’t seen her in awhile. How’s she doing, Ole?”

“Fine.”

Sven says, “I heard you bought her a piano, didn’t you? That must be real fine. How’d she like it?”

Ole answers, “Fine. But I sold the piano and bought a clarinet.”

“A clarinet? Why would you give her a clarinet instead of a piano?”

Ole glares at Sven a bit, then says, “Because with a clarinet, she can’t sing!”

There Are Times When Patience Is Not a Virtue

Ole is on his deathbed. The doctor has told him he has only a few hours to live. He catches the scent of his favorite bars wafting through the air. With all the strength he can muster, he drags himself into the kitchen and sees a fresh pan cooling on the rack. He cuts one out and bites into the scrumptious cookie.

Lena comes in, smacks his hand, and says, "Shame on you, Ole! Dese are for after de funeral

God Help Him If Lena Gets a Nailgun

Sven and Ole are roofing a house. Ole picks a nail out of the pan, examines it, and with a "nope" tosses it over his shoulder, picks up another one does the same thing, picks up a third and after examining it uses it to nail in the shingle.

Sven (seeing all of this) exclaims, "Ole! what the hell are you doing, wasting nails like that?"

Ole replies, "Well you see, those nails they're pointing towards the house, I can use them. But these nails... they're pointing away from the house, they're useless."

"Ole you IDIOT!!" Sven replies, "those nails aren't something you just throw away willy nilly... those nails are for the other side of the house."