And Chlorine in the Tires

A teenage boy tells his father, "Dad, there's trouble with the car, it has water in the carburetor." The father looks confused and says, "Water in the carburetor, that's ridiculous!" But the son insists. "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."

His father, starting to get a little nervous, says "You don't even know what a carburetor is.... but I will check it out. Where is the car?"

"In the pool," replies the son.

It Makes Sense When You Think About It

I was on vacation in Florida on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?

"No."

"Let's find a place."

"Good," he says. "My car is right over there."

I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.

I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."

"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."

"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.

"Oh, ya. You got that right."

"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?

He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."

I'd Suggest a Porsche Replacement

A college student drove his ratty, raggedy old car into the mechanic's shop, needing some repair advice for his jalopy.

The mechanic looked at it for a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."

"Oh," said the student, trying not to sound too confused, "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"

"That's part of the problem," the mechanic said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."

It's Not Easy Being Green

One day a man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money.

However, he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog. The frog then proceeded to play an incredible jazz solo. Highly impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.

The man then asked for another drink in exchange for something even more amazing. The bartender agreed.

So the man pulled a hamster out of his pocket and set it on the bar. The frog started playing the saxophone again. Then
the hamster started singing along. It was a terrific jazz duet. Even more impressed, the bartender gave the man a second drink.

Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man. He offered the man $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man considered it for a moment and then agreed to the deal. The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender exclaimed, "I can't believe you let a singing hamster go for only $1,000!"

The man replied, "It's no loss to me. The frog is a ventriloquist."

At Least He Didn't Ask What Elephant Tastes Like

A bird hunter appears in court for having shot a pelican. The judge, shaking his head says, "Son, what were you thinking? Surely you know that pelicans are a protected species!"

To which the man replies "Well, Your Honor sir, I've been out of work for months, about to lose my home, and my family was hungry.?

The judge ponders this a moment, then says, "Well, the law says you should be in jail, or at least given a steep fine. But under such circumstances, I 'm letting you off with just a warning. Don't EVER let me see you in my courtroom again.?

The offender thanks the judge profusely and begins to walk away, when the judge asks, ?What does pelican taste like?"

The man replies, "Well, sir, it's kind of like a cross between a Bald Eagle and a California Condor."

He Crossed the Preacher, Buddy

Thepastor of the local Baptist church had a parrot who was always using bad language. One day a group of visiting ministers came to his home for lunch and the parrot let loose with some exceptionally profane stuff.

The pastor was really embarrassed and, after he ushered out the last of the ministers, he grabbed the parrot, and said, "Look, you have embarrassed me for the last time. You can think about it and chill for awhile." Then he stuck the bird in the freezer.

A little while later he let the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot was very contrite and said, "I promise, I will never say those things again, but tell me -- what did the chicken do?"

I Imagine there is Less Outcry Too

The local university lab has decided to lay off all of the lab rats. You would think that this was due to animal rights protesters complaining about their treatment, but the university found that it was easer to use attorneys. No one complains -- and there are just some things a rat will not do.

Hook Line and Sinker

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."