Maybe He Just Wasn't Getting the Hint

Lena was beginning to think that Ole would never ask her to marry him.

One evening, as they studied the menu at the new Chinese restaurant, Ole asked "Lena, vould you prefer your rice fried or boiled?"

Jumping at the chance, Lena quickly replied, I vould like my rice thrown, Ole! And da sonner da better!"

But Are You Going to Offer Him a Nightcap?

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern.

A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment.

He explained, "I want Lena to see who I have been out    with."

Ole Thinks "Garnishment" is Something Italians Eat

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Well, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Ole Must Have Been Tired

Ole was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Ole asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."

Ole and Lena Get Caught In a Flood

One day Ole and Lena were outside, and it started to rain. They thought nothing of it. Well, the rains kept coming until the main floor of their house became filled with water.

Lena said, "Ole, what are we going to do? The water is coming in."

"Let's go upstairs. The rain won't last that long, and it won't get up there," was Ole's reply.

So Ole and Lena went upstairs to wait for the rain to stop. After a short time Lena looked at her feet and saw they were immersed in water.

"Ole! Ole! the rain has reached us up here. What are we going to do?"

"Lena, calm down. We'll just go up on the roof. The water will NEVER reach us up there. It's too high."

After sitting on the roof for a period of time, Lena noticed a hat floating down stream. She, of course, thought that someone had just lost his hat and the current was taking the hat with it. However, when she looked at the water rising again, she noticed that the hat was coming back up stream. That hat kept going down stream and then back upstream, downstream and back upstream.

"Ole, look at that hat," she said.

Ole was as puzzled as she was. Then it suddenly hit him. He remembered what Sven had told him.

"Lena, I know why that hat is going back and forth upstream. When I talked to Sven yesterday, he said that come hell or high water he was going to mow his lawn today!!"

Can Ole Walk The Line?

One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.

"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."

"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.

"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.

"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"

At that point, Lena spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue with Ole ven he's been drinking."

When Will Peterson Get Air Conditioning?

Sven and Ole were coming home late one night from the local bar. Worried that their wives would be furious with them for being so late, they decided to take a shortcut through the town cemetery. As they stumbled their way through the grounds, they decided to stop and rest. The town had just paid for the restoration of some of the tombstones, and several had been reset with the supporting wire attached to nearby trees. Now Sven and Ole just happend to stop close to a recently departed friends grave.

Sven saw the wire, turned to Ole and said: "Hey! Take a look at this! Peterson is doing real well now!"

"How do you know that?" asked Ole.

"Can't you see?" Sven answered, "Peterson has a phone installed already."

Lena and Ole are Moving Up In the World

Lena greeted Ole at the door of their apartment when he came home from work. "Guess vhat," said Lena. "Remember ve have been talking about getting a more expensive apartment?"

"Ya," said Ole. "Vhat about it?"

"Vell," said Lena, "now ve don't have to look. Da landlord yust raised da rent!"

A Quickie for You Lena Fans

Lena once had two chickens.

One of them got terribly sick.

So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

Way to Go Ole

Ole, Sven, and Lars came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.

"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.

They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.

"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.

"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.

"Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"

Lena Can Hit the High Notes

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Sven inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh, " said Ole, "I had her switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell, " Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

But Can't Ole Still Gum Them?

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.

"Good gracious, " said Hilda, "How did you ever do that?"

"It vas really simple, " was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

Does This Qualify As Creationism?

Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face as he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother.

"Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked.

"Da stork brought her, " answered mama Lena.

"And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole.

"Da stork brought me, " his mother answered.

"And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired.

"Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew, " mama Lena replied.

With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."

Ole, Don't Answer It!

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Ole's Farm

A Texan was driving past Ole's farm in a big convertible with steer horns on the hood. He saw Ole out front working on a tractor and stopped for a chat. The Texan said, "How big a spread do you got here?"

To which Ole said, "It goes from da road here, back to dat woods back there, and from da creek down there, over to da Johnson’s barn up on dat hill. How big a spread do you got?"

The Texan replied, "I can jump in my pickup truck and drive all day and not get to the other side of my ranch."

Ole laughed, "I had me a truck like dat once myself and sold dat junker to my crazy buddy Sven."

I Wonder if Ole Clips Coupons Too?

Ole and Lena were visited by a door-to-door salesman. He tried to convince them that if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer.

Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent.

And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV.

Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundromat with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."

Ole and Lena are Divorced?!?

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Well, dat's fine judge," said Ole, "and once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Maybe There Are Fates Worse Than Death

Ole went to the doctor because he was feeling a little sick.

After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease and you're going to die in 6 months. I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "That’s terrible Doc, but why should I move in with my rotten mother-in-law."

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."

I Wonder If Ole Owns A Lot of Mirrors?

When Ole went to play cards with the boys his friend Lars asked him, "Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife and when we go bowling you bring your wife?"

Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is a kind of ugly? Dis way I don't have to kiss her goodbye."

Ole and Lena's Wedding Night

Ole and Lena are about to get married when his buddy Sven takes him out for a night on the town. While they're at the bar, Sven told Ole "Dere's one thing you gotta do right off - Lena needs to know who wear's da pants in da house."

So Ole and Lena get married. That night, Ole handed Lena his pants and asked her to try them on.

Lena looks at him quizzically and dons his trousers. Of course, they're too big and promptly fall to the floor.

"I can't wear dese Ole."

"Dats right woman, and dont forget it neither."

Lena looked at Ole for a long moment, then grabs a pair of panties and asked him to put them on. Of course, they're too small and they don't fit.

"I cant get into dese Lena."

"Dat's right you sonofabitch and you won't be until you're attitude changes!"