I Bet Ole Can't See Around that Big Hat

Ole leaves Duluth to get a job as a chauffer driving a huge limosine in New York City.  The Pope arrives at the airport and Ole picks him up.

Now, the Pope wants to do the driving. Ole says that's against company rules but Mama Ole raised him to never argue with the clergy.

The Pope is a terrible driver, he goes up on the sidewalk, he doesn't stop to pay the parking lot toll:  it isn't three minutes before a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman sees right away that he has a problem on how to hand out the ticket, so he calls his supervisor down at the station and says "I need help in how to give a ticket to someone here who's really important." "Is it the Mayor?" "No, more important than the Mayor?" "Is it the Senator?" "No, more important than the Senator." "Well, then who is it?" Policeman says "I'm not sure. I don't recognize him, but he's got the Pope driving for him."

They Do Say God Helps Those Who Help Themselves

LITTLE OLE had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said Lena, his pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, he will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask him to help me not to misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked him to help you put up with me."

Be Careful What You Pray For

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from a pew in the front row. It was little Ole. His mother Lena beside him was horrified.

She pinched him to silence, and after church asked: "Ole, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Ole answered gingerly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just did!"

The Little Old Lady and the Atheist

There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

And what if He took it all?

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish Rabbi debated how to divide the offertory: which part would go to the clergy and which part to God to spread the Good News. 

The Lutheran drew a chalk line across the aisle, threw out the money and said, to the right, to God, to the left, to clergy. 

The Catholic followed suit and drew a circle onto the church floor, into which he poured the money: whatever fell outside would belong to God, while everything inside would go to the priest. 

The Rabbi say, "Dear brothers, you give God no chance whatsoever. Therefore, I shall throw the money up into the air and say, "Lord, take what you need."

I Wonder What He Thought About Stuffed Cabbage?

Lena and Ole and Little Ole were invited to the Swenson's for Christmas.

Stuffed roast turkey was on the menu. After dinner, Lena asked Little Ole how he liked the dinner.

Little Ole replied,  "Vell, da turkey was pretty good, but I vasn't too crasy about da stuff da turkey ate."

Real Church Bloopers

Apparently, these statements were all found in real Church Bulletins.  I wonder if Ole was editing that day...

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.·The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

But Are You Going to Offer Him a Nightcap?

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern.

A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment.

He explained, "I want Lena to see who I have been out    with."

Little Ole Is the Original Bart Simpson

The Preacher conversed with Little Ole one sunny day:

"So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"

Ole answered, "Thank God he's in bed!"

I'd Say God has Ole's Number

One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "when you made Lena, why did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"

Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

"Well then," asked Ole, "why Lord did you make her so stupid?"

"So she would love you, Ole" replied the voice.

Ole, Take It On Faith

Ole was walking through the mountains of Norway on his way to visit Lena. His mind more on that nights dinner than the path ahead, Ole slipped and slid over the edge of a nearby cliff. About 20 feet down and several hundred more feet to go, he frantically grabbed a bush and stopped his slide.

There he was, hanging by a bush, above certain death, and his hands began to perspire and tire almost immediately. "Is anyone up there?" Ole hollered.

"I'm here Ole," came the deep voice from above.

"Who's there? Can you help me?" Ole yelled back.

The voice answered, "It's the Lord, Ole. Let go and I will save you."

Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he looked at his slipping hands, and he looked down again, and he looked up again.

Finally, he yelled back up the side of the cliff, "Is anyone else up there?"

Ole, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Ole walks up to church and the minister stops him, "Ole, where'd you get those two black eyes?"

Ole says, "In church, last Sunday, I sat behind this nice looking woman and her blouse was tucked in too tight, oooh, you could see some crack, not pretty. Didn't look good, no. So I pulled it up a little and she turned around and hit me in the eye!"

"But Ole, you have two black eyes."

"Ya, ya know, she didn't like it pulled up so I tucked it back in for her."