Heard on the Road

When flying from Palm Springs, California to Dallas, Texas the flight attendant announced:

 "In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device..."

When asking a barista for an iced coffee, they replied apologetically that the place didn't serve it.

 When I asked if they had ice: "yes, we have that".
 When I asked if they had black coffee: "yes, we have that".

 "Can I get a cup of ice and a medium coffee? I'll brew my own."

It's stories like this that remind me than "fan" is short for "FANatic"

PARDEEVILLE, Wis. -- Authorities in Columbia County said a 36-year-old man tied up his young son with tape after the boy refused to wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's game last Saturday.


Read more here.

Has America outsourced its junk food innovation?

You may have already heard the news, but foreign shores are tinkering with our most dearly-beloved foods.  Is this a sign of cutting edge innovation?  Or unholy Frankenstein foodstuffs that should have never been pulled from the oven?

Pizza Hut (yes, Pizza Hut) has introduced Hot Dog-stuffed pizza crust in the UK.



And in the United Arab Emirates, they've rolled out Crown Pizza, which is a pizza studded with hamburgers and burger toppings.



Is your mouth watering?

You make the call!

Are There Any Quilters Out There?

Eat your hearts out.

Or at least, check it out:

A One-Horse Town Down to Two People

Messex, Colo., Has Been Largely Abandoned, and Its Only Residents Like It That Way; 'We Get Along OK'


Nobody except Mr. Ulibarri, 68 years old, and his neighbor, Dixie Newman, 76—the only residents of this hamlet at the intersection of two gravel roads on the high plains of northeastern Colorado. Both may be away visiting relatives in the Denver area on New Year's Eve.

Everything got better when the third person in Messex moved away, I bet.  Just didn't fit in..

I think I lived there

I think this says it all:

Seen in a local newspaper:  "Marge Friendly had a visitor this weekend. Her nephew Cletus came to visit and helped her with chores."


Read more here.

Letters From Grandma

Then almost like a bolt of lighting, I realized why the jacket in the backseat looked familiar: it wasn't my grandsons, I has seen our town Mayor wearing it! I also recalled seeing him in the post office that morning. Bingo! Now I knew who's car I had stolen!


You can read the rest of the tale of how Grandma accidentally stole the mayor's car here.

Foxworthy on Minnesota

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights
each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Minnesota.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say...Wayzata...Mahtomedi...Cloquet...Edina...and Shakopee, you might live in Minnesota.


If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
You might live in Minnesota .

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota.

You measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Minnesota.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota.

You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Minnesota.

You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows
how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm
at any given time,
You might live in Minnesota .

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
and of course, road construction,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can identify a southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next
to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota.

If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know "a brat" is something you eat,
You might live in Minnesota.

You find -10 degrees "a little chilly",
You might live in Minnesota.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends,
You DO live in Minnesota!

Now That's a Silver Lining...or is it Purple?

Two Minnesotans die in a car crash. They don't go to heaven, but to the other place.

Shortly after they arrive, the devil looks over and sees the two of them smiling and laughing and generally enjoying themselves.

He goes over and says, "What's the matter with you two? You were sent here to spend eternity in torment. You're in the middle of a flaming inferno. You should be in agony. Why are you smiling and laughing?"

The two reply, "Oh, Mr. Devil, we're sorry if we offended you. After those cold winters in Minnesota, it just feels so good to be warm."

The devil thinks to himself, "So, they don't like it cold. Well, let me see what I can do about that."

So the devil creates special climate conditions. Instead of a flaming inferno, the two Minnesotans find themselves in the middle of the most vicious blizzard conceivable. The snow is eight feet deep. The temperature is 80 below. The wind chill is 100 below.

And the devil looks over and sees them not only smiling and laughing, but jumping up and down and clapping each other on the back in unrestrained glee.

Again, he approaches them and asks, "What's the matter with you two? You told me you hated the cold. Why are you still so happy?"

They reply, "Well, it's obvious. Hell has frozen over. The Vikings must have won the Super Bowl!"

On Wisconsin!

Wisconsin, according to Jeff Foxworthy: 
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Wisconsin.... 
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Milwaukee for the weekend, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Wisconsin....Oh yeah!!
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Wisconsin. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Wisconsin. 
If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Wisconsin friends and others can see, you definitely do live - or have lived - in Wisconsin

The Little Old Lady and the Atheist

There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

And what if He took it all?

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish Rabbi debated how to divide the offertory: which part would go to the clergy and which part to God to spread the Good News. 

The Lutheran drew a chalk line across the aisle, threw out the money and said, to the right, to God, to the left, to clergy. 

The Catholic followed suit and drew a circle onto the church floor, into which he poured the money: whatever fell outside would belong to God, while everything inside would go to the priest. 

The Rabbi say, "Dear brothers, you give God no chance whatsoever. Therefore, I shall throw the money up into the air and say, "Lord, take what you need."

Real Headlines, Real Strange

1. Couple lost in corn maze calls 911

2. Man says it's too hot to fish

3. Rogue Massachusetts turkey, known for attacking mail truck, may or may not belong to Ethel Kennedy

4. Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

5. If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while