Thursday, February 23, 2012

But What About a Tractor?

"Hey Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Ole Had a Car Accident

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now vat the HELL vould YOU say?"

Thursday, February 9, 2012

It Feels Warmer Already

Ole and Lena had a farm right on the border between Minnesota and Iowa.

One day a surveyor came to Ole and Lena's farm and, after he finished, the surveyor met with the couple and said, "I surveyed your property, but I found a problem. All these years you thought your farm was in Minnesota, but my results show your farm is in Iowa."

The surveyor looked at Ole and Lena for a response, but instead of them being upset, they looked pleased.

"I thought you would be upset," said the surveyor. "Why do you both look so happy?"

"Well," said Ole, "I'm so glad now. I didn't think we could stand another of those terrible Minnesota winters!"

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Real Church Bloopers

Apparently, these statements were all found in real Church Bulletins.  I wonder if Ole was editing that day...

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.·The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.